


To the Path of Unknown

by BlingBlingMaknae



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Produce 101 - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:10:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlingBlingMaknae/pseuds/BlingBlingMaknae
Summary: In which Nu'est joins Produce 101 in desperation, and Minki is not stupid enough not to notice the burden on a crumbling Jonghyun's shoulders.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedication: For NU'EST and their hardwork, as well as every L.O./\\.E that is willing to support NU'EST until the end.

A/N: The author is in no way related with the characters. Written based on what I observed from the past episodes + bonus uploads of the MNET channel (eg. Dorm life)

  * People say that the trainees’ phones are taken away but given back after missions.  **Posting on SNS is strictly not allowed.** So, in simpler terms, [Kim Yongjin (a contestant who who posted on SNS, poor kid) is in big trouble.](https://www.soompi.com/2017/04/20/touching-story-produce-101-season-2-trainee-kim-yong-jin-parents-tugs-heartstrings/)
  * They are allowed to get out of the training camp after their missions. Refer to: ([20170416 Minki is seen at the Sewol commemorating ceremony this year](http://www.allkpop.com/article/2017/04/nuests-ren-spotted-tearing-up-at-sewol-ferry-memorial)). Not sure of the arrangement of the people who are roommates in the dorm (refer to scenes in this fanfiction where Minki and Kim Dongbin are in the same room and when Park Jihoon barged in the B dorm room where Jonghyun is staying which are just assumptions)
  * **[IMPORTANT]** Scenes, such as trainees being rude and perverted, Nu'est members and the other trainees not smiling and not having fun at all, trainees’ gossiping habits, and any other ‘thinking scenes’ are exaggerated/assumed for dramatic effect. Most of the boys in PD101 seems genuinely nice, have a good brotherhood and support for each other. We all know how MNET loves drama and loves uploading episodes full of tearful moments instead of them having fun.
  * Episode 1 was filmed on Feb 26. They were given three days before the reevaluation, and on the 9th of March, their M!Countdown performance was held. Episodes 3 and 4 were filmed on the 26th day of March. **Credits to Peach101 (youtube account) for the information about the episodes.**



 

 

\---

Minki heaves his hundredth sigh of the day, still not getting over with the events of the first day of their 'Pick Me (나야나/Nayana)' practice. He stares at the ceiling of their dorm room, his mind whirling with a lot of worries.

Minhyun has been quiet since their trainings started, and Minki knows that it is because the former heard about the controversy he is in circulating the net. Minki tries his best to make a smile crack on Minhyun’s face, but the latter just remains indifferent during the breaks they have during practices to the moment that they headed back to the dorm. Minki knows that deep inside his friend and bandmate, he is troubled of the effect the stormy news will bring to their standing in the show. Even if Minhyun now knows that his teacher and friend defended him online, he is still worried about what people will say about him. It also makes Minki worry that Minhyun is all alone in the C dorm, while the three of them are altogether in the D ones.

Dongho’s smile, on the other hand, isn’t as genuine as it used to be. It is similar to the ones Minhyun wears nowadays; forced, for the camera or to prevent any brewing issues about them acting superior and snobbish among the trainees.

It also breaks Minki’s heart how Aron is alone in the dorm, and when they go back to the company dorm after filming, their oldest hyung keeps on apologizing for not joining the show, even if it is not the elder’s fault. The latter is just avoiding controversies, and Minki understands it whole-heartedly.

 

Do not even get Minki started with their leader.

 

Jonghyun… He changed. He really did. Jonghyun has always been the shy and silent type, but nowadays, he rarely speaks. He won’t talk unless he has something important to say.

 

_“Go to sleep. We need to be active tomorrow. Kahi sunbae told me that we lacked energy this afternoon.”_

 

_“Eat up. The management said that they do not want any rumors of us not being paid properly because we are losing weight.”_

 

Jonghyun rarely smiles anymore. He prefers dancing and practicing in the D dorm with the other trainees struggling with the steps, instead of talking with the maknae, his co-member, _his boyfriend._ Minki sees his lover’s face always scrunched up in concentration on his steps, and he decides not to interfere the man who is on the go 24/7, unless Jonghyun looked like he would collapse from the amount of sweat that dripped down his exhausted form.

Even if their schedule of filming is done, when they go back to their— _JRen'_ _s—_ own dorm in the company, even if there is just the two of them, they rarely speak to each other because Jonghyun is too immersed in practicing or watching animes, so Minki opts to go to the other three's dorm to chat.

Jonghyun is pointedly ignoring them. He does not even sleep on the same bed with Minki anymore.

He cannot blame Jonghyun for wanting to distance himself from them. Of course, nobody is more broken-hearted than Jonghyun himself, who had been giving his all since day one while his members seemingly lost the will and determination to fight.

While the other trainees are having fun shouting and laughing during their practice breaks or when they are in the dorm, they remain silent just like the other frustrated trainees. Minhyun is in another room so Minki doesn’t have any clue about what’s going in there unless Minhyun tells them after practice. Dongho, who struggles with the steps the most among the rank D members, lays on the floor while staring at nothing in particular. Jonghyun keeps on practicing and helping the other trainees who are having difficulty with the steps. Seeing the younger trainees doing better than him made Minki frustrated, so he does what he can to be not left out.

 

The rest is history.

 

It irks Minki how their once jolly brotherhood turned into a memory, judging on how each and every one of his co-members acted in a completely different manner. They had experienced ‘failures’ all those years, but this is the first time that things took a rough turn.

 

The mother of their group is undergoing an inner crisis, his all-smiles member can now be mistaken as a mafia boss by the manner his face is always serious, their hyung is alone, and his leader and boyfriend won’t even talk properly to him.

 

 

It’s hard. Everything is hard. But Minki is doing his best to cope up with the situation.

 

 

As expected, they had trouble adjusting with the other trainees. Most trainees are genuinely friendly and looks up to them, as reflected by the manner that their eyes shone when they approached them after the first day of recording to have their autographs. Minki couldn’t help but smile brightly that day at the high-spirited trainees, especially those who got low gradings during the first evaluation but are still as jolly as they first came.

How they could beam oh so brightly despite their 'failures' in their performances made Minki realize that most of kids still haven’t seen the harsh realities of the world, just like he was years before.

A few of them, specifically those who debuted before and ended unsuccessfully like them approached them and gave them reassuring pats and words, which they wholeheartedly appreciated.

A handful of trainees shot them icy stares, showing how much displeasure the other trainees feel from the presence of idols who already debuted.

Perhaps it is indeed unfair for the trainees that Nu'est, who has a fanbase—whether solid or not, joins the show.

 

But what can they do?

 

They are _desperate._

 

_Hopeless._

 

Isn't it also unfair that the company made them rot in the basement and never promoted them properly? Changing their music genre and concepts, making them enter into long hiatuses after a 'failure' in their album sales, promoting their juniors in a completely different manner, mismanaging them in the worst ways possible...

 

And the company is making them feel as if they are a failure? Whose fault is it anyway?

 

They did all their best, participated in album preparations, practiced their vocals and dance steps day and night but...

 

They are still considered as flops.

 

Failure.

 

A mistake.

 

An irreversible case.

 

Will everything of this happen if he auditioned in the Big Three companies instead? No matter how notoriously 'mean' those companies are, at least, the artists already established a name for themselves because of their company name. Some of them even release crappy music, but still manages to have them sold out because they belong in the Big Three.

 

What if he spent his early years in the university and the army instead; will he have debts now just because their albums are barely sold? The trainees nowadays are fortunate because they have survival shows, while his fellow trainees years back needed to undergo intense promotions just to get recognized by the public. The trainees in this generation already have the spotlight on them even without debuting. They obviously have a bright future ahead of them, compared to Minki and the whole Nu'est.

 

He would not come in the competition if the situation is not that bad. He wishes to be as successful as the two Pledis trainees that got into I.O.I. He wants to be as known as SEVENTEEN. He wants to have their own solo concert in their own country with thousands of warm-blooded Koreans cheering for them. He wants to break album records, get nominated for music shows and year end awards, and a lot more wishes that he thinks will only happen in his dreams.

 

Stupid company. Why did he even stay in the first place?

 

A lot of their seniors left, while the ones who stayed are left with the illusion that they will one day make it big...

 

Just like Nu'est themselves.

 

After milking them like cows for money, here they are: forced to swallow their pride just to survive the cruel world of the industry.

 

All those years, they experienced having stupid, unhelpful staff who gave little regard to their wellbeing, lack of managers and going to events alone, dressing up all by themselves and going to events via taxis, subways, and buses without make up, improper album promotions, promoting more overseas than in their motherland, lack of fancafe and website updates and production of official goods, working in harsh weather conditions with little rest and security…

 

Why can't they leave?

 

He does not even know why he is still fighting for this.

 

He is tired. _Really tired._

 

His members are probably tired, too.

 

Is it really worth fighting for?

 

Is being an idol his destiny?

 

Maybe it isn't.

 

He wishes that this ordeal won't happen to their juniors.

 

 

 

A huff leaves Minki's mouth in distress. He looks around the training room, which is composed of trainees as exhausted as him. All living soul in the studio are exhausted practicing dance steps for ‘Nayana.’ It is a new version of the last season's ‘Pick Me’ and this one is a lot more challenging and exhausting than the last season's version. It could have been better if they will just perform the girls' version from the last season but it sucks real hard how the level of difficulty raised because the dance is made to fit males like him. As someone who has debuted as an idol, Minki should find it easy. But no. Nu'est is not into those intricate, quick dance steps as reflected from their recent comeback, thus, making it hard for him to cope up.

It has been hours since they got stuck in the studio, repeating the same steps over and over. Some of them already mastered the moves, but many, including Choi Minki himself, are still having trouble with the dance. Minki sees his fellow trainees lagging behind, which unfortunately includes him. They cannot remember where to move their hands first, when and not to move their feet with the beat.

“If you do it like this, you cannot do it. Come to your senses!” He almost jumps from his place once Kahi retorts at them, and the disappointed looks on their former company sunbae, friend and dance teacher makes Minki ashamed of himself. As the practice goes by, most of them get a grip of themselves and pick up the steps, and Minki can only stare in concern to a particular member who is evidently struggling with the choreography.

“2, 3, 4! Dongho, only you are slow!” Kahi speaks in an irritated tone, and Minki takes a quick glance to his exhausted bandmate.

They go on the practice until Kahi stopped counting. Seeing the female’s menacing glare through the studio mirror elicits a silent, internal groan from Minki who stares at their dance trainer. The room grows terribly quiet, especially when they see who Kahi is staring at on the mirror.

“Yah, Dongho,” Kahi reprimands the particular person whose eyes reflect nothing but shame and lack of motivation, “Dongho, why are you so slow?” Dongho remains mum at that and hangs his head low. Minki retracts his gaze from Dongho, his heart breaking at the mere sight of his helpless bandmate who just got humiliated on front of all the trainees. Minki wants to look at Jonghyun, but he cannot muster enough guts to stare at his leader’s disappointed face because of their lack of proper progress.

During the vocal trainings with Lee Seokhoon, one of the vocal coaches, Minki is the first trainee to be called on front. He feels his neck veins popping in effort of hitting the high note, and he sighs in relief when their strict tsundere vocal coach tells him that he isn’t that bad. Minki stares at envy to Yoo Hwiseung who hits the hardest parts of the song with little effort. He nibbles his lip in nervousness when Dongho and Jonghyun are called, with the former doing well because vocal is his strong point while the latter, a rapper with a deep voice, cannot hit the high note.

Minki silently rebukes himself for his incompetence. There is only one day left for practice, and he needs to take it seriously unless he wants to fail.

 

“Whoever thought of making this dance is totally nuts.” Minhyun stares at the files of trainees proceeding down the stairs from their respective training rooms. The four of them huddled in a corner of the first floor, too exhausted to proceed back to their own dorms. “I have never been this terribly challenged in my whole life.” Minhyun stretches his legs on the floor, his downcast eyes and disheveled hair damp from sweat reflecting the inner turmoil inside him. “Three days, dudes. Three days of practice before D-day. What is in the producers’ minds?”

“Please throw out of the planet Earth whoever composed that horribly hard song,” Minki says, pulling his knees towards his chest, staring at nothing in particular. “I’m screwed. Gosh. Even rappers are forced to sing that shitty song.” Minki directs his gaze to their leader—main rapper, main dancer, Minki’s friend and boyfriend—leaning against the wall, but the latter does not budge a bit.

“My hips and legs hurt. My neck feels strained, and my sanity is going out of the window,” Dongho bemoans. “This feels like our training years ago. I never dreamed of going back in this condition.”

“Neither do I,” Minhyun whimpers while holding his throat. “My throat hurts so bad. I don’t think I can perform properly on the next day. They are not even feeding us properly. I miss Aron hyung’s cooking.”

“Aron hyuuuuung~” Minki whines, making his head fall on Minhyun’s shoulder. “I want to go back to the dorm.”

“Ah. Yours and Jonghyun’s very own dorm, or our dorm that seems to be more of your home instead of your own JRen dorm?” Minhyun teases, and Minki scowls at him. “I don’t care where. I want the mission and filming to end already. I want to have a taste of home-cooked food again, binge on junk foods, watch television, lay on the bed all day, to go back to our old lifestyle—“

“Can we stop complaining and just move our asses off?” All three heads whirl towards the leader who has been silent throughout the whole conversation. “Practice in the dance studio or the dorm. Instead of grumbling to no end, just do something about the situation.”

“Jo-Jonghyun?” Minhyun blinks rapidly, totally taken aback from the way their usually placid and playful leader spoke. “Did I hear it right?”

“I cannot understand why you are being like this.” Jonghyun facepalms and rubs his face in vexation. “You guys are talented. You all know that. What is happening in here? Is this the way idols with five years of experience perform? Do you think the management will be happy about this? If we will just be like this, then we better go back to Pledis and rot in the basement again.” The other members stare at Jonghyun in shock, except Minki who cannot bring himself to stare at his boyfriend.

Jonghyun never cut any of them while talking. Jonghyun never looks so distressed and disappointed with them, and Minki knows that he said the wrong things at the wrong timing. While Jonghyun is making efforts to cope up with the circumstances: new environment, new people, new challenges to overcome but old leader issues and burdens; here he is: complaining, grumbling, lazing around, wasting any efforts that Jonghyun exerted in all those years he kept the group together.

“I’m sorry.” The maknae swallows thickly, his hands fisting his suddenly tight shirt to stop himself from breaking down. “I-I didn’t mean to… anger you. I’m sorry.”

The other three remain silent, watching their downcast maknae quiver in hopes of stopping his tears. _No, do not cry over a petty thing. You deserve it. You deserve it, Minki. He’s already burdened and here you are making everything worse._ Minki keeps telling himself while trying to keep his tears at bay.

“I’m sorry. I think I got overboard.” A familiar, warm hand places itself on his shoulder, but Minki refuses to look up, not wanting the elder to see his moist eyes. “But I hope that you understand. We are in the lowest points of our lives. This is our one and only chance. If we lose in this one, I do not know what is bound to happen to us.” Jonghyun’s words are soothing and comforting, but they do nothing to nurse the fresh wound that his boyfriend inflicted on him. He does not even know why he is hurt. It is just a simple eye opener. Minki is certain that he won’t be emotional if it came from Minhyun or Dongho, but Jonghyun…

Minki is never the sensitive type but the thought that Jonghyun is probably thinking that the maknae is shaming their group makes him lose the little composure and ego that are left in him. The thought alone makes him sick of himself.

“Ah, why does my body suddenly crave to dance?” Minki quickly rises on his feet, laying his hand on the wall to fight the possibility to stumble because of his suddenly wobbly legs. “Excuse me. I’ll go back to the dorm.” He walks away, ignoring the pleadings of his bandmates and discreet coaxes of ‘go follow him, Kim Jonghyun’ and runs off the moment a single tear escaped his glassy eyes.

 

 

 

The reevaluation performance rolled on, their new grades are given, and here he is, preparing for their rehearsal for their ‘Nayana’ M!Countdown performance.

He stares in distaste at the reflection looking back at him with the same disgusted expression on.

 

He, Choi Minki, an idol for five years, got into the F group.

 

F group? _F group!?_

 

An idol who already debuted getting the lowest grade?

 

Why is the world so cruel?

 

Seeing himself clad in the grey shirt that shouts a big fat 'F' at the back makes him sick of being the loser he is.

 

He could hear the gossips and occasional snickers from some trainees whenever he passed them, and all he could do was lower his head and clench his fist in shame.

He could not blame anyone but himself. In the level reevaluation which determined their place for the filming of ‘Nayana' he did terribly bad, forgetting all the steps from the first few seconds of the video. Dongho remained in the D class. Jonghyun got a B grade and Minhyun’s grade turned into D. Minki is quite thankful that one of them got a higher rank, or else, he will surely have a mental breakdown for being an embarrassment to their families.

It makes him angry of himself that he, someone with a lot of experience in _five long years_ ; someone who dances girl group songs and Lady Gaga music on television as if it is a piece of cake; someone who performs on front of the crowd for the past years is having difficulty to dance. _What the actual fuck?_

He swears to himself that he remembered those steps after hours of endless practice in the training room and the hall outside their dorm, but how could his mind go blank in D-day of their reevaluation? What makes him upset of himself is that he didn’t try that much. He could have continued singing; why did he just give up that fast? Did the pressure really weigh him down?

The image of Jonghyun being anything but happy while watching their fail reevaluation performance is still vivid in Minki’s mind, and the thought alone that their dreadful errors will end up being aired in the national TV and the internet makes him sick to the stomach.

It does not help that the other trainees are crying over the phone whenever they call their family. All four of them cannot bring themselves to call their loved ones, thinking that their families are disappointed by the rate they are going in the training camp. On the leader's free time, Jonghyun converses with his dormmates and the other trainees who are asking for advices to cope up with the training, and Jonghyun often tells the stories of their predebut and idol experiences.

Minki sits on the sidelines, rejecting the idea of interrupting the serious, emotional mini-meeting just to bond with his leader and boyfriend even if he is itching to do so. He knows that it is the right thing to do as he does not want any rumors of them having a relationship circulating in the nosy trainees and the media, and the inexperienced kids need guidance especially during these years. Jonghyun already apologized to him the same day that he got scolded by the former, and Minki readily accepted it. Though, there is a big distance between them that fails to be filled because of endless practices, rest in the dorm, and other reasons that inhibit them from going back to what they used to be.

During the last rehearsal for the 'Nayana’ performance in M!Countdown, he fondly watches the other zealous trainees in hopes of pushing himself to strive harder, but Minki finds himself falling into depression, the pressure to do well and prove their capabilities and competence suffocating his once optimistic nature.

He stares with envy at the A trainees dancing on the rising stage, thinking that if only he tried harder, if only he did better, if only he was good enough, then he would probably be one of those shining A grade trainees, and maybe, the center.

 

The thought that he belongs to the group which will only serve as back up dancers in the performance makes his heart ache.

 

He cannot take it; while practicing the steps with the other F trainees, tears suddenly fall from his eyes.

 

He excuses himself from the performance and as embarrassing as it may sound, he cries on front of the camera in self pity.

 

He thanks his fellow F trainees for being there on his mini crisis, and they all cheer up for each other. He appreciates how Minhyun and his fellow D trainees yell from their place "B C D F fighting!" and how all of his fellow F trainees support each other in this ordeal.

 

Still, there is a lingering thought at the back of Minki’s mind that continues torturing him in every single waking hour, and even in his sleep.

 

_Did Minki… burnout? Is he already too tired to do this?_

 

Is the end of the tunnel still far away from his sight? Does the tunnel really have a bright entrance to greater wonders beyond or is it just a dark, cold dead end?

 

 

 

"Sorry that I didn't choose you." The elder's voice is barely audible in a room full of practicing trainees and noisy footsteps, but Minki's ears register the apologetic tone in those words. Though, despite the words having a purpose of comforting his offended feelings, it still does not change the fact that the same words give a pang in his broken heart.

"We cannot always be together, Minhyunnie," Minki smiles weakly while intertwining their hands. The squeeze he gives the hand is accompanied by unspoken words of dread that foretell the possible doom of the group they held on for years. "Plus, I do not want any articles to circulate about you being biased and unfair. And at least, none of us will be performing 'Mansae.' That will be a shame."

Minhyun shakes his head while laughing at the remark. "Right. About the choosing-your-members matter, I'll talk to Dongho about it later," Minhyun mumbles lowly to which Minki answers, "I know that he'll understand." Their eyes travel around the room to settle on a smiling Dongho who is practicing with his fellow trainees. "Look. He seems happy in his own group. He is adapting."

"I hope so," Minhyun replies as he laid his head on his fellow member's shoulder. "Do well in your rehearsals and performance, our beautiful maknae. Show them that you’re prettier than any noonas out there."

"Thank you," Minki chuckles. "You too. I bet that if the popular kids' team are the second Avengers, yours is the Justice League. I know that you'll slay everybody in that day. You chose your members well. You can be your own entertainment’s CEO Hwang one day."

"I am not that trainee who has the dream to be a CEO, idiot." Minhyun playfully jabs the other who fakes a pained choke. "Seriously speaking, I know that we will do well, because Jonghyun is chosen as our leader."

"He must be displeased," Minki laughs while staring at a distance where his boyfriend is eating with his fellow team members. "We all know how much our shy little boy hates being the leader."

"But the kids love him," Minhyun comments, his lips curling into a smile. "They are like, 'hyung, I can feel that you can lead us.' 'Hyung, can you teach me do the move?' 'Hyung, you're the best. Thank you so much.' Besides, the tendency to bite his tongue and slap himself just to relieve his nervousness around new people became lesser. He feels comfortable with them now."

"He surely is the best leader out there." Minki then turns to his friend to ask, "why aren't you eating? If you aren't eating during breaks then at least practice."

"You aren't practicing yourself, too," Minhyun shoots back with a playful tone. "I am here to bond with our sweet, lovely maknae who has been emotional lately."

"Min, I do not want to talk about—"

"If Hyunbin didn't tell us, we won't know that you cried during the ‘Nayana’ rehearsal." Minki turns away from the suddenly serious male. Unconsciously, he pulls his legs towards his chest and buries half of his face on his knees. “Does Jonghyun know?”

“Yes. He is seriously worried,” Minhyun sighs, “he cannot bring himself to scold you again because of that.” The elder of the two laughs while ruffling the other’s hair. “But of course, we all know that little cutie. He is too shy and still sorry to ask you directly what is going in your mind.”

“So that is why he kept on shooting me guilty stares these past days,” Minki says unenthusiastically. His eyes stayed glued on the floor even if he is staring at nothing in particular. “Even if he asks, I will not say everything out loud. You know how much he already has on his shoulders. I do not want to burden him furthermore.”

“You know that you are not a burden to any of us, don’t you?” Minki winces at the sudden pinch on his cheek, but he cannot bring himself to glare at Minhyun because of the warmth in the latter’s voice. “I understand why you do not want to tell Jonghyun, but at least, tell me what’s the matter.”

“Well let’s just say that I feel like I am becoming a hindrance to our success.” Minki flinches a bit at the pang of his own words but he knows that that is what he kept bottled inside during the past days. “He went up to level B but he cannot bring himself to be happy because of us, particularly me. At least Dongho stayed in D while you got a level lower. But me? I got an F, Minhyun. I got an F. I wonder how much Jonghyun feels ashamed whenever the others gossip about our group, because I did bad. I even have the audacity to cry even if it is my fault for not trying harder.”

“You know that feeling, Minhyunnie?” Minki adds, his downcast eyes never leaving the wooden planks of the cold floor, “I want to give my all. I want to do good. I want to show them what I got. I want to win. I want to prove myself and to let everyone know that I am really a debuted idol, and that I deserve to be part of the top eleven. But I can’t. I really can’t. I do not know why but I just know that I can’t.”

There was a long silence after that. Minki does not dare to look over his friend’s face, afraid to see the pitiful look in the other’s eyes. He was about to remind the other that break is almost over had not an arm wrapped around his frame.

“Maknae, I am sorry if I cannot help you at all,” Minhyun whispers sadly against his ear, and Minki has to fight the urge to let the sudden surge of emotions take over his unstable self.

“Just a few months of waiting.” Minki buries his head on the crook of Minhyun’s neck, intending to hide his watery eyes. “Just a few months of hardships and all of this will end. I know you can do it. You and I know what you are capable of doing, Minki. But if ever fate betrays our wishes of success, I am willing to try and try and try again. No matter what happens, whether all of us win, one or two of us, or none at all, remember that you’ll always be our maknae and we are always here whenever you feel down.”

“Thank you, Minhyun, thank you.” He replies softly, returning the hug with a weak smile painted across his lips.

 

 

 

Minki tosses back the bottle of painkillers back to his bag right after swallowing the pill in a gulp of water. He looks at his surroundings, and notices that all of his dormmates are sound asleep.

Some of them are sprawled unceremoniously on their own bunk beds, which is a proof that the strenuous practices drained the last bit of energy left in his fellow trainees.

He pats his thighs, which are aching from practicing all day. He somewhat blames himself for not buying the more expensive brand of painkillers, and he mentally curses at the slow effect of the damn meds.

If only he is in the same dorm with the other three, then probably, they would have helped massage his body aches away. As much as Minki wants to ask them, he knows that they have the same aches—physically, mentally and emotionally—he is experiencing, thus, choosing not to bother the elders. Minki won't let himself add up to the burdens that his friends and bandmates are carrying.

He grabs his towel from the bunk bed ladder and his bathing essentials. With a yawn, he opens the dorm bathroom and cautiously walks inside, afraid to wake his fellow trainees up.

It took him time to get rid of his clothes because the exhaustion has really taken away his strength. If he has the choice, he will go to bed without taking a bath, but the stink from the sweat covering every inch of his body annoys the shit out of him. He lazily hangs his used clothes on the door and steps in the shower curtain to have his much needed bath.

As the warm water washes away the dirt and sweat of the day's training, his mind wanders into unwanted territories again; the very things that robbed him of his sleep in the past weeks. It is the same old cycle of negative thoughts again, but they never failed to hit Minki right on the spot and it pains him. _A lot._

 _Evil Mnet,_ he hollowly chuckles to himself. He cannot wait to watch the second episode to see how shitty is Mnet's editing of the episode this time. He'll surely lose his shit if Jonghyun's exemplary performance in their reevaluation is not aired. The people of Korea may be thinking that they are talentless, undeserving idols and that is more than enough to hurt the last that is left on Minki's already broken ego.

He squeezes his almost empty shampoo bottle which is as empty as his soul. In the midst of lathering his hair, Minki suddenly wonders about what will happen after the program. Will all four of them get into the final top eleven? Will the temporary, year-long group be as popular as the first season winners? What if their respective agencies get them back once the year-long sailing in the waves of fame is finished; will Nu'est finally get their desired public recognition and appreciation? Will their fandom be as solid as it was five years ago? Will his bandmates be back to their old, jolly selves?

Minki remembers all about the new policy about the army enlistment in their country. What if they are all called at once? Their fans will leave again for sure. Or what if two or three of them are called at once? He is one hundred percent positive that Pledis will either hide and make them rot in the basement again or make them release non-mainstream music again.

The thought of the elimination drawing near makes him sick in the pit of his stomach. Almost all the trainees are good kids. Sure, some of them act cocky and bratty which seriously makes Minki irritated and intimidated; some of them like gossiping a lot about their fellow trainees; some of them are lazy in keeping the dorm clean, but Minki grew to love everyone in the whole show. He may act lifeless and unenthusiastic at times but his fellow trainees and dormmates cheer him up, and he is thankful of that.

He proceeds on drying himself and dressing himself up with his clothes. Despite the dim lighting of the bathroom, he can see how worn out he looks on front of the mirror. He almost gasped once his eyes locked with his reflection on the mirror because of how much he had changed in just a few weeks. His orbs that used to be bright and sunny are now plagued with undying sorrow and hopelessness.

He tries stretching his lips for a smile, but it is apparent how forced and strained it is.

 

Overall, he looks dead and bland.

 

This is not Choi Minki at all.

 

Did the constant failures in the music industry destroyed the real him?

 

“Are you really Choi Minki?” He whispers while staring at his stressed out reflection. “Choi Minki is beautiful. Choi Minki is confident. Choi Minki is hardworking and he gives his one hundred percent effort in everything he does. Choi Minki is not contented with sulking and not doing anything to improve himself... So, who are you?"

He reminisces those times when he used to be so happy to be onstage and his face is shining with joy while he moves and sings on front of their fans. He remembers all those passionate people who shout their names whenever they are performing; the same people whose lives had been changed for the better because Nu'est existed and is still existing.

“Do you think that you deserve the fans’ support if you will just slack off and joke around? Do you think that your family will be proud if they see their youngest son being an incompetent loser?" He grunts angrily while opening his moisturizer and squeezing its contents on his palm. “Shouldn't you be trying more? Shouldn't you fight more? Shouldn't you be doing your best instead of moping over circumstances that are yet to come?”

He pauses, opting to apply the moisturizer on his face so he can finally sleep.

"You know that you are better than this, Choi Minki." He mutters after giving his reflection one last look before turning the lights off.

He silently trudges back to his bed, but the sound of someone sniffling—the sight of something bright under the covers of one of the beds stops him. Judging from the position of the bed in the room, Minki instantly knows who is crying in the middle of the night. He walks over the said bed and sits on it.

“Dongbinnie?” He whispers lowly, patting what he perceives is the boy’s shoulder. The boy under the blanket flinches and stiffens in his place, but soon, the boy shakes violently from trying to stop his tears.

“Oh, why is our boy crying, hm?” Minki pulls the blanket up, and sees Dongbin’s swollen eyes shedding more tears. Minki’s eyes trail down to see big drops landing on the practice diary illuminated by the tiny flashlight attached to it, and the elder sighs.

“Mi-Minki hyung, why are you st-still awake?” Dongbin asks, hastily wipes his misty eyes, and he closes them shut once Minki’s warm hand settles on his head.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” Minki says worriedly while ruffling the younger male’s hair. “Still not done with jotting down on the practice diary?”

“I am already done, but…” Minki watches as new set of tears roll down the other’s cheeks while adding, “I-I just can’t sleep. Too much happened today.”

Minki listens as the boy opens up about the group changing the ‘center’ member for their ‘Call Me Baby’ performance which is in a few days. Dongbin mentions about how the teachers and his groupmates obviously have no faith in him, how the other group is obviously going to win, and that how hard he is trying to give his best but it is still not enough.

“I am scared, hyung,” Dongbin cries while sobbing on Minki’s chest, “I do not want to get eliminated. I haven’t proven myself to the world yet. I want to debut, hyung. I do not want to leave the competition. What shall I do, hyung? What shall I do for the people to vote for me? What shall I do to be wanted? What shall I do to be as great as the other trainees? I do not want to get eliminated, hyung. This is my dream. Is it really that hard for me to achieve such a dream?”

 

 

 _Elimination._ The word alone sends chills to Minki’s spine.

 

 

 _What shall I do..?_ Minki does not answer, knowing that he is also having the same unanswered questions running in his head.

 

 _I haven’t proven myself to the world yet._ _What shall I do for the people to vote for me?_ The same worries has held him down during the past week, and boy, he knows that he still hasn’t figure his way out of the abyss he has fallen upon.

 

 

Minki just pulls him close and cries with the younger male, not knowing what to say anymore.

 

 

 

 _Will Jonghyun fall out of love because of my unprogressive performance in this show? Does Jonghyun still love me? If he does, then why do I feel as if we are falling apart?_ Tons of questions have been bothering him ever since the bloody show started. All got worse when he listened to Dongbin lamenting last night. Well, he didn’t exactly help the kid brighten up because he himself could not battle the collapsing dam of his emotions anymore, but he is glad to know from the kid that he helped lessen the burden on Dongbin’s shoulders.

All the other trainees who saw the duo walking to their respective practice rooms hours ago wondered why they have bloodshot eyes, but Minki said nothing.

The practice finally ends after hours of moving their sore limbs and singing their throats out, and Minki is heading back to their dorm. That is, until he overhears some trainees talking downstairs.

 _“I really thought that they are cool,”_ a deep voice said that seems to be coming from the floor below resounded in Minki’s ears. _“But here they are… Ordinary. They even keep on giving the center parts to the other kids. Are they afraid to mess up?”_

 _Here they are with that shit again. Thank us that we are giving you the center spots even if we are supposed to be greedy in a fucking survival show._ Minki doesn’t want to eavesdrop. It was never part of his personality to do so. Whether it is a gossip about a fellow trainee, how Nu’est is a big flop and is beneath some trainees in skills, or how Park Woojin and No Taehyun are having a heated tension because of who-really-acts-as-the-group-leader issues, how Lee Daewhi will inevitably win because of the popular trainees that he chose, or any other unpleasant news circulating the trainees, Minki chooses to ignore those to prevent the last bit of positivity left in his mind to disappear from all the bad vibes. But at the very moment he is walking past the stairs, he can sharply hear what some of them are saying, making him halt.

_“Some trainees can even hit better notes than Dongho. It is no surprise that they didn’t make it big.”_

_Dongho just recovered last year from his vocal polyps surgery but now he is okay. What the fuck are they even talking about,_ Minki told himself but he restrained himself from marching to the stairs to call out his fellow trainees.

 _“I even look better than them,”_ another voice followed. _“The bicycle robber is already the visual? Eh.”_

 _They are bringing that shit up again? My god. Don't they know the latest news? Minhyun's teacher and friend already said online that the bicycle theft shit is just exaggerated for entertainment purposes and he didn't really steal. Give him a break. At least he wasn’t involved with any bullying scandal._ Minki is clenching his fist in self-control but how he wanted to bust that someone’s eye for talking even if he knows nothing about them.

 _“Perhaps their hyung is ashamed of them. He didn’t even join this survival show. Maybe he’s afraid that his friends will see how of a failure he and his incompetent group is.”_ Laughter echoes below, and Minki is starting to hasten his steps to get to the new flight of stairs that will lead to whoever disrespectful bastards are present on the lower floor.

 _“And Kim Jonghyun? Is he really the leader? He has the same name as SHINee’s Jonghyun but the difference between their success is this big.”_ Minki imagines the other man stretching his arms to emphasize his point, and that is it. He grunts in anger and is about to turn towards the stairs had not a firm hand squeezed his shoulder.

Minki does not need to turn to know who it is, as he knows the owner of the warm touch very well. “Calm down, Minki-yah.” He rarely heard that sexy, deep voice being directed to him in the past days, and it somewhat makes the younger’s head reel back into placidness.

“I know, I know.” Minki replies, still not looking at the figure behind him. “I’m sorry, did I almost ruin our chances in debuting again? I am sorry for not thinking.” He murmurs under his breath, feeling ashamed of upsetting his leader.

“It’s fine,” Jonghyun answers with an authoritative tone, “go back in your dorm. Why are you still here anyway? The others are already eating in the dorms.”

“I understand,” the younger meekly nods, and he hears his leader making his way up. Minki follows suit, trailing behind Jonghyun until he feels the other’s back bump on him. “What—“

 _“…Minki is just… You know. He has a nice figure. Did you see how he dances? His ass, bro.”_ The voice that insulted his members becomes more discreet, indicating that they are walking further away from the stairs.

 _"Tone down,"_ another voice said. _"Someone may hear us."_

 _"Who cares? We are just admiring our beautiful sunbae."_ An evil chuckle followed the statement, making Jonghyun grit his teeth and jerk his body towards the direction of the stairs below.

“Jonghyun,” Minki pats the other, “let’s just get out of here.”

 _“He makes me remember about Luhan in some angles,”_ a pitchy voice says, _“only that he is more feminine.”_

 _“But Luhan is the king of China. Minki is just the princess of his loser, nugu hyungs.”_ Boisterous, obnoxious laughter floods their ears, and Minki barely manages to swallow the lump that formed in his throat as the atmosphere suddenly became tense.

 _“Who cares? He seems like a good boy.”_ The voice dripped with innuendo, and Minki went a step higher than Jonghyun, only to see his leader’s eyes blazing in fury.

“J-Jonghyun-ah, I’m hungry. Let’s just—“

_“Did you see his old pictures? He looks so tempting.”_

_“Especially those photos of him in female wear. I’m straight as a rod but I never wanted to be blown by such a pretty mouth—“_

“Fuck everything.” Minki hears Jonghyun muttering, the latter turning his gaze towards the stairs below.

“Jonghyun, my gosh, stop.” Tears brim from Minki’s eyes while following his angry leader, who is currently taking the downward flight of stairs.

“Insult me or anything. Insult each one of us,” Jonghyun hisses, “but no. Treating my members—my boyfriend as a topic for sex? NO. This is unforgivable.” The elder’s steps become faster, and he only stops when a pair of slim arms wrapped around his torso.

“Choi Minki, let go of me—“

“For the love of God, Jonghyun,” Minki pants, his mind spinning from the suffocating tension and exhaustion of the day’s training, “whoever they are, please. _Please._ Just let them be. They won’t bring any good to us.”

“I won’t stop unless I see the blood gushing from their mouth and ears.” Jonghyun growls and wriggles out of Minki’s hold, only for the latter to hastily hug him from behind again to stop him.

“Jonghyun, no. Please. Calm down. Not just for me, but for the group as a whole.” Minki sighs with his face buried on Jonghyun’s back, that he didn’t realize that he is already shedding tears. “We are here not to fight. This is our only chance to make it. We cannot afford to lose this one, or else... Just forget what happened. This is our one and only chance left. Please. Please…”

Jonghyun freezes on his spot, and before Minki knew it, Jonghyun turned to him and wrapped his arms around the younger. “I’m sorry, Minki.”

 

 

 

_To go or not to go?_

 

Minki’s hand trembles as he reached for the doorknob. He does not know why he is nervous at all. He wasn’t like this when he visited Minhyun in his own dorm before, but well, it seems like the incident this afternoon made him extra nervous around Jonghyun.

Is Jonghyun awake? Is Jonghyun fine? Is Jonghyun doing anything important and Minki’s presence will only disturb the elder? Is he still upset? Is Jonghyun still practicing for their performance for the next two days? All of Jonghyun’s dormmates are out, either they are loitering in the dorm premises or hanging out with some boys in the other dorms. The four of them ate together with the other trainees minutes ago, and Jonghyun was quick to depart, causing his clueless co-members—excluding Minki, and the trainees to be puzzled by the idol leader’s peculiar actions.

Minki quickly followed, wanting to follow his lover to the dorm, but he ended up going in his own dorm to refresh himself instead. And now, he is standing on front of Jonghyun’s dorm room, contemplating if he will go in or not.

Minki backs away, but then, he is struck by a fast panorama of the memories during the past weeks, when he was at loss of his boyfriend’s love. Minki breathes in and out, and he grasps the knob, turns it and the door flies open.

Jonghyun is leaning on the headboard of his bunk bed, humming a tune while jotting down on his practice diary.

_Thank God. At least I know that he is alright._

Not wanting to disturb the elder, he makes a move to close the door, but then he hears his name being called by the voice that makes butterflies flutter in his stomach.

“Minki? Is that you?” Minki peeks from the ajar door, and he sees Jonghyun, a sweet smile painted across his handsome features, gazing at him with sparkling eyes.

“Minki-yah.” The way the name rolls on Jonghyun’s tongue makes Minki melt into goo, and a blush doesn’t fail to dust his cheeks. “Come here, our maknae.”

Jonghyun beckons with his hand, the smile never leaving his face. Minki remains on his spot and he asks, “is it okay if I go inside? I do not want to disturb you.”

“Of course you won’t disturb me.” A chuckle follows the elder’s words, causing Minki to finally give in and slip himself inside the tiny opening of the door before closing it. He walks slowly towards Jonghyun’s bed, and he flops down on the spot beside Jonghyun’s outstretched legs.

“It’s nice to see you relaxing.” Minki comments after a moment of silence, and Jonghyun chuckles.

“You know,” Minki adds, “we, particularly you, had been immersed to the training that we often forget to do our usual routines. You barely sleep, Jonghyun, even in our own dorm.”  _You barely talk to me, too._

“Oh, yes,” Jonghyun smiles bitterly, “it has been long since I had the time to relax. I forgot how nice it is to be a couch potato again.”

It has been long since they sat like this, out of the practice room and without the permanent scowls plastered on their exasperated faces.

He watches as Jonghyun sets his practice diary aside and focuses his full attention on Minki.

“Is it already done?” Minki blinks, and Jonghyun fondly ruffles his hair. “Yeah. Even if I am not, I can always deal with it the next day. For now,” the elder cups his face, his thumb caressing the blushing younger’s cheek, “let’s have an ‘us time.'”

“W-Want a back massage?” Minki does not even know why those are the words that left his mouth, but all he is aware of is the sheer nervousness pumping through every vein of his body at the slightest, gentlest touch of his boyfriend.

Jonghyun shoots him an inquiring gaze, and Minki answered. “I-I saw you moving your arm back and forth as if trying to snap a bone back to its place this afternoon, so...”

“I would love to have one.” The words sound so sweet in a giddy Minki’s ears, and he was quick to get the menthol oil bottle from his shorts’ pocket.

“Oh. You really came here just to give me a massage? How sweet of you, _yeobo._ ” Minki has to control himself from not squealing because he yearned for the nickname to come from Jonghyun’s lips for several weeks.

“Shut up,” Minki replies, not looking at his boyfriend. Jonghyun takes off his shirt and lays on his chest without being prompted. Minki gets on the bed and straddles Jonghyun’s back, sitting himself on the elder’s butt.

His insides flutter once his fingertips made contact with the elder’s bare back, and he suddenly reminisces those moments when his blunt nails would dig crescents on the firm flesh during their nights filled with love and intimacy.

It is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but his heart and stomach did funny flips when Jonghyun referred to him as his boyfriend in his moment of rage this afternoon. He thought that their romance had ended in Jonghyun’s heart, and Minki is simply a member that Jonghyun is obliged to take care of. He wanted to ask that before but the cold look in Jonghyun’s eyes during the past weeks made him retreat in fear of distracting the other from his duties…

 

And of course, in fear of hearing the ‘truth’ that Jonghyun does not want him anymore.

 

"You have gotten lighter.” Minki almost jumps in surprise when the man beneath him suddenly broke the silence of the room.

Minki sighs at the remark. "You know that they only feed us three meals a day.”

When he is replied by silence, Minki continues moving his hands on the plane of his boyfriend’s back, pinching and massaging the other’s flesh, particularly on his shoulder blades.

“It has been long since…” Minki slows down on his movements, the anticipation of what the other will add making his heart thump in his chest. “You. Me. Us. Being all lovely and stuff.”

Minki finds it pathetic that no matter how long they are together, Jonghyun never fails to take his breath away, even just by the simplest things. “I-I see.”

“I missed this, to be very honest.” Even if Minki cannot see his lover’s face, he knows that the other is smiling while saying those words. “You and me in one room, talking about any random topic.”

“We aren’t even talking about something,” Minki chuckles heartily. “We are just conversing.”

“It’s fine,” Jonghyun replies, “at least, we are together and skin to skin. It’s been long.”

Before Minki is able to register the meaning of those words, the door flies open, making him shriek while whirling his head towards the intruder.

“O-Oh!” The unwelcome presence covers his mouth in surprise, quickly bowing in apology. “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to—I just needed to get someth—“

“Shhh.” Minki feels his boyfriend stirring below him, and Jonghyun nonchalantly turns towards a bewildered Park Jihoon whose eyes widened the size of saucers. “What’s with your apology? Of course you are allowed to enter. Besides, we’re just being our normal selves.”

 _Yeah. We look normal, indeed._ Minki mentally rolls his eyes and sets his gaze on the flabbergasted male.

“Don’t you think of anything weird,” Jonghyun says in a cheery voice, which is in contrast with the fifty shades redder Minki on top of him.

“I-I am not,” Jihoon squeaks and grabs something from another bed, “w-whatever you are doing right now, I won’t spill anything. Bye, hyungs!” The lad dashes out of the room, and Jonghyun laughs together with the sound of the door being pinned shut.

“Ah, really,” Minki heaves a deep sighs and gets off his leader. “I just remembered that there are cameras in this room. Let’s just finish this in the bathroom because the PDs may think something weird is going on.” Jonghyun does what he is commanded, the sound of the sheets rustling accompanied by teasing chuckles.

“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun mumbles once Minki clicked the dorm door lock, and went into the bathroom. The latter started applying extra oil on the former’s shoulders who is facing the door. Minki curtly replies with “it’s nothing. We aren’t caught anyway,” but he stops once Jonghyun says at the same time, “I was so busy being a leader that I forgot taking care of what we have.”

 

 

 _Oh._ That is definitely _not_ what Minki is expecting to hear.

 

 

“It’s not your fault,” Minki mutters quietly while palming Jonghyun’s tensed shoulders, “it’s ours. We kept on messing up, especially me. I could not even perform the dance at all during the reevaluation. Perhaps you’re disappointed with me. I’m so sorry, Jonghyun.”

“Me? Disappointed?” Jonghyun stiffens on his hold, and before Minki knew it, Jonghyun whirls his body to face his lover who looks equally devastated as Minki is at the moment. “I never—“

“I am certain that you’re being depressed lately because you think that you are not a good leader, am I right?” Minki stares at the man who lowers his gaze on the floor.

“You… You really can see through me,” Jonghyun mutters after a few moments of silence. “I hate it, but I also love it. You can speak the words that I cannot say out loud.”

“See through you? I wish I can do that,” Minki whispers to nothing in particular, “so I may know the reason that you want to break up with me.”

“Br-Break up? I want a break up? NO! Never! Not in a million years, Minki! I—”

“Wait. Can I say what I feel first?” Minki raises his hand on front of Jonghyun, who then nods despite his face contorting into one of distress. “Listen. It kind of hurts that it is me who always starts the conversation since last month.” Minki sees the other one swallowing a lump in his throat at the statement. He continues, “I won’t even know that I am still your boyfriend if you didn’t mention it this afternoon during the… you know. It’s kind of sad that I need to receive the assurance I need in a situation like that. But maybe that is just a kind act of yours, because you know, you are our leader, and it is your responsibility to look after us." Minki steps back towards the wall, curling his lips into a pained smile while staring at the elder's bewildered expression.

"Honestly, if you plan to break up with me, I think I will try to understand. I know very well how important this survival show is to you, to all of us. I may be a distraction and a hindrance to our group's success, and I am aware that this competition means the world to us. I showed incompetence in the past weeks and is a shame to our group, so I understand if ever you think that I do not deserve to be with someone as hardworking and driven as you. Thus, if ever you ask me for a cool off or perhaps, a real break up, no matter how much it hurts, I will accept it wholehearted—" The younger male cannot finish his words when the other grabs him to an unexpected liplocking session.

Caught off guard, Minki barely grasps the bottle of oil he is holding. His shaky arm blindly gropes for the sink to lay the bottle on. An arm wraps around his torso and pulls him close, and a muffled moan leaves his mouth once Jonghyun's tongue slips inside his cavern.

With a trembling stance, he lifts his arms to wrap around his boyfriend's neck, pulling the latter to a deeper kiss. Minki lets himself submit to the elder whose tongue dances with the younger’s own in a tune that only their hearts can hear, and Minki can only mewl at the passionate act.

It has been long since they have been like this, and how Minki wants to drown in the euphoric sensations of Jonghyun's touches, from simple rubs on Minki's waist during their kiss to the possessive hold on his hips that makes the younger remember who owns his heart and body.

“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun whispers on Minki's lips once they parted, causing every fiber of Minki's body to tingle in sensitivity.

Jonghyun grabs his boyfriend’s oily hands and clasps them with his own. "Baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you. About this afternoon, I… damn it. Of course you are my boyfriend. I cannot bear hearing those things about my boyfriend without doing anything. You're mine, Choi Minki. You are my member, my friend, my lover, my family, my home. You are not just my responsibility or my obligation. I treasure you. I never want to part with you. I am sorry if I didn't reach out to you during those months and that I acted like a total jerk. I only thought of myself. I was so ashamed of myself for being an ineffective leader that I can barely face you guys. I am stressed that the three of you are not doing well because I know your capabilities. I am not upset of you. It is more of I am upset at myself because I cannot do anything to help—"

"Shhh." A finger is placed on the elder's lips, making his gaze lock with his boyfriend. “You’re apologizing and rambling again, sweetie. I get it now.” Minki sighs, and let his thumb draw circles on Jonghyun’s hand which is holding his hand. “Fine. I may have jumped into conclusions and I’m sorry about that. Putting that aside, you need to stop being too harsh on yourself. Everything is not your fault. Well okay, this is partly your fault because you just dared to ignore me during all those weeks and partly my fault for being the overthinker I am but it really annoys me how you kept mum all this time when we used to talk about our problems before. It is as if I do not matter in your life anymore.”

“It isn’t that you do not matter,” Jonghyun says in defense. “It’s just the same old issues, Minki. I’m sure that you do not want to hear any of those rants again. I know that you’re stressed out because of our trainings so I do not want to burden you any further with my useless issues.”

“It’s not like you’re the only one who has issues.” Minki pulls his hands back from the other's grasp, only to grab Jonghyun's to lace their fingers together. “I have them, too.”

"I know. You even cried and I did nothing to comfort you." Minki does not miss the tinge of guilt and remorse in Jonghyun's voice, and the former shakes his head in disapproval. "Nevermind about that. It was my fault for not giving my best anyway. What worry me nowadays are you, guys. Seriously. Everyone of us changed. Dongho’s smile that used to rival the sun isn’t as bright as it used to be. Minhyun… Do I even have to mention how dramatic he is these days? He rarely nags now which is so not him. I know that he has this kind of obsession with poetry but please, comparing almost everything to metaphors? His face is ruined by his lack of skin care and constant stress. Aron hyung on the other hand… he is obviously worried whenever I talk to him on the other line. You… I do not need to say how much immersed you were in practices that you often forget yourself.”

“Minki, I’m sorr—“

“I do not need your apologies, Jonghyun,” Minki cuts him, squeezing the other’s hand in a vice-like grip to make the elder stop talking. “I need you to tell me what the hell is going on in your mind.”

Minki goes on when Jonghyun didn’t respond. “You may be our leader but please, for the love of God, remember that you’re in a group. Meaning, you can tell us what’s running in your mind. You have the tendency to blame yourself when things go wrong when in fact, your bandmates may also be the ones who commit mistakes… though we know that it is our shitty company who is at fault in all these things that we are suffering from. Seriously. What is my role as a boyfriend? Of course I want to hear your thoughts. We are in this together; through thick and thin, the good times and the bad ones… I am not just some trophy boyfriend, Jonghyun. I am suppose to be your confidant, your listener, your comfort, your other half. I am supposed to know your deepest secrets and thoughts.”

Minki holds his resolve despite the heartbreaking stare that his boyfriend is directing him. “Do you,” Jonghyun began, “still remember the thing we said in a broadcast years ago?”

“What? How will I be able to remember the tons of things we talked about on national TV—“

“We said back then that if we are given a chance to go back in time and choose our careers, we will still choose being in Nu’est. At that time, we all meant it. We really do, despite our unsuccessful endeavors in the Kpop scene. But now, do we still do? I know that all five of us want to leave the company. Who wants to rot in Pledis’s basement forever? But what. We still have debts to the company because the albums that are worth our sweat and blood failed to have decent sales. If we file a lawsuit, do you think we will win by how broke we are compared to Pledis? We have nowhere to go. Do you think some company will accept us? If we all decide to part ways but still remain in contact with each other, do you think that we can still catch up with our studies before being randomly called in the army? Do we even have anything we want to do besides being a singer?”

 

Minki remains silent.

 

Jonghyun adds, “if we are in the big three, do you think that this will all happen? If ever we are in any popular company, we may be swimming in riches now, and may be as popular as EXO is. We may be an inspiration to the people of the world if only we become successful. If we pursued college degrees and jobs instead of our dreams, will we be as hurt as we are right now? Life may be simple but happy, or we may even be powerful businessmen by now.”

It is amazing how Jonghyun took the words out of Minki’s mouth, and that they had exactly the same thoughts in their minds.

“I know that it is the company’s fault, but I can’t stop blaming myself. If only I am a more effective leader, if only I am strong-willed enough to fight the company’s wishes, if only I am better—“

 

 

A pair of soft lips pressing against Jonghyun’s own effectively shut him up.

 

 

“If I didn’t join Pledis, do you think that I will meet all of you?” Minki whispers against Jonghyun’s lips once they parted, their gazes locking with each other. “Do you regret it?”

“Of course I don’t.”

“Meeting everyone of you, especially you, my cute, little gumball…” Minki pecks his lips, “that is one of the things that makes me not regret choosing my life choices.”

Pink stained Jonghyun’s cheeks, and Minki is satisfied at the effect of his words.

“I may have always said it as a joke, but you are my everything, Jonghyun.” The younger says, reaching for Jonghyun’s hand to intertwine it with his. “It hurts me when you’re trying to hold all your feelings by yourself. Spill it all, Jonghyun. It is me, Choi Minki, who won’t judge you.”

The words seems to have pressed the right buttons, because Jonghyun starts crying the moment Minki pulls him into a hug. “I’m sorry for making you worry, Minki.”

Minki rubs the other’s back, cooing on the elder who pours his heart out in long, garbled sentences.

“I-I-I failed eomma and appa. I failed the fans. I failed Pledis. I failed you guys. I am such a shame. I am such a failure.” Jonghyun sobs, soaking Minki’s shoulder with the tears he wished to shed on someone who understands.

“I f-feel small when the trainees ask me for advice. How can I even give them proper advices when I am a failure myself?”

Even if it is such a pain to hear those words, Minki does not interrupt, wanting Jonghyun to pour all his frustrations before he speaks.

“I-I do not know anymore, Minki-yah. If this program ends and we still have no success, maybe we should take it as a sign—”

“—as a sign that idol life is not for us,” Minki finishes, causing Jonghyun to stop shaking from the younger’s grasp. The elder slowly pulls away, staring at Minki with puffy, bloodshot eyes. “M-Minki…”

"No matter what your decision is, I support it. We are both in this together. I do not know about the other members but me… I will always be by your side, Jonghyun.” Minki holds up his pinky finger towards his lover who gapes at him in pleasant surprise. “If you want to stay, I'll stay. If you want to leave, I’ll leave with you. I will never leave you alone. I am always here, Jonghyun. Always.”

Jonghyun snifffles weakly while extending his pinky finger to link with Minki's, and Minki cannot help but squeal at his cute boyfriend. “You’re such a precious cupcake.”

“Minki~” Jonghyun whines once the younger starts pinching his cheeks right after wiping the tear tracks. “You’re breaking the moment.”

“You’re just too cute,” Minki giggles, taking the opportunity to steal another peck. “Seriously speaking, sweetheart, our group might not keep our promise of lasting like Shinhwa for years, but… you know that we will always be in each other’s hearts, right?”

“Of course,” Jonghyun’s lips cracks into a heartwarming smile that makes the worries and stress in Minki dissipate in thin air. "Are you not mad anymore?"

"I can't stay being mad at you, Jonghyun."

"Sorry for scolding you and for ignoring you in the dorm."

"I deserve it, Jonghyun. I understand you."

 

Minki makes a move towards the door but is stopped by Jonghyun's voice echoing in the confined space of the bathroom. 

 

“And um. Minki?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

 

_“I love you.”_

 

 

Minki blushes beet red, and his free hand jabs Jonghyun’s ribs playfully. “Why all of a sudden? You are never the type to say that without any deep reason.” Minki, in hopes of hiding his red face, opens the bathroom door and unlocks the room's main door for the other coming trainees to be not suspicious of the couple.

“Let’s just say that you forgot that I do because I forgot to make you feel loved.” Minki yelps as an arm wraps around his waist and he gets dragged to the bunk bed. “It sucks how we barely have any personal time because we are in different dorms with different people.”

“Jonghyun!” Minki whines while struggling from his lover’s hold, “fine, I miss cuddling with you in our very own dorm,” he whispers in a hushed tone while glaring back at the elder, “but for Pete’s sake, let me get back to my room. I’ll get minus points if I do not get back in tim—”

“Those are just a few points, right?” Jonghyun chuckles while trapping the other in his hold.

“Kim Jonghyun!” Minki slaps the other’s leg which is thrown over his body, “at least wear your fucking shirt. I do not want anybody to have malicious gossips about us.”

“Fine, my pretty baby.” Jonghyun whispers inaudibly as he reaches for his shirt and puts it on his half naked frame.

“Jong—“ The leader throws a blanket on top of them until it covers up to his nose, and Minki yelps once an arm wraps around his midsection. “Hey, you retarded moron—“

“Idols often talk about lying on bed together over the national television, right, sweetie?” Jonghyun yells, perhaps for the hidden camera to register.

Minki gasps when the other male nips his neck, causing him to half-yell, half-whisper about being discreet and not touchy. Jonghyun answers with just a laugh while muttering something about the blanket covering them and pulls away while loosening his hold around Minki.

Jonghyun buries his face on the pillow to muffle his next words. “I know that I suck as a lover sometimes, and it is horrible how I am still coping up with this matter even if we have been together for two years…” Jonghyun pauses, pulling the blanket higher while nuzzling the scent of Minki’s hair. “I admit that I am not good with guessing what’s going on in your head and that I do not know how to start any heart pouring session, so please, if you have any problems from the trivial things to the pain that I have been unconsciously inflicting you, tell me. I’ll try to be more sensible and sensitive about your feelings. I may not help that much, but at least, I can listen. As you said, we are in this together, right?”

“Took you long enough to realize that,” Minki huffs childishly, but deep inside, he is more than satisfied that his boyfriend is trying and willing to open up with him from now on.

Jonghyun chuckles and pushes himself back a little but keeps his hand draped on the other's waist. “Good night, maknae.”

“Good night, leader. Good night PD-nims.” Minki mutters towards the hidden cameras. “I swear that I’ll do better on the next trainings, and my team and I will slay covering ‘Replay’ in the next two days. I’ll be doing great that you’ll be thinking, ‘oh, is Minki the sixth member of SHINee?’” An incredulous laugh is heard behind Minki and he feels a gentle smack on his thigh.

“Stop being ambitious, kid,” Jonghyun laughs wholeheartedly while ruffling the other's hair. “Heard that, PD-nims? Nu’est will have a grand resurrection and will dominate the performances.”

“Please cut this part and never air this.” Minki peeks from the fluffy blanket and shoots the supposed camera a playful warning look before humming and closing his eyes to get to dreamland with his cutie patootie boyfriend.

Everything’s still not okay, and they still do not know what the future holds. Minki is still in class F, he still won’t get in the top eleven, and is still struggling preparing for their performance. But in the meantime, he forgets everything. He forgets the pitiful situation they are in, he forgets about the trainees, he forgets about his co-members. All that matters now is that in the arms of his beloved, he can have a good night rest; something that he didn’t have in the past month.

 

 

 

“Oh… and Jonghyun?” Minki whispers in an inaudible tone.

 

“Hmm?”

 

 

“I love you, too.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: In which Minki was the only one who didn’t enter the top eleven ranking on the sixth week.
> 
> Word count: approx. 5K

 

 

Jonghyun knew that he was supposed to be happy, but he wasn’t.

 

Sure, he had a hard time suppressing the stupid grin that threatened to appear on his face once he saw his name on top of all the trainees that participated in the position evaluation for rap. Who would not be happy; winning in his group made him garner ten thousand points, add in the benefit of winning overall which was equivalent to a hundred thousand votes. One hundred ten thousand was a big help to increase his chances of survival in the show, and he was more than thankful for that.

Though, he still felt sorry for all the trainees that didn’t commit a mistake during their respective performances, but got an unreasonable low number of votes. Knowing that he was one of the trainees who didn’t perform without flaws made him sick to the pit of his the stomach. No matter what they say; no matter how others say that his mistake was only a minor thing compared to the overall performance he showed onstage, it still somewhat made him guilty that he won…

Not to mention his fellow band mates who got rather low votes that didn’t make them win in their respective groups…

 

Especially because his boyfriend was clearly upset at his standing in the overall result of the vocal position, where he ranked nineteenth out of the twenty two trainees who participated.

 

Also, the ranking. On the sixth episode aired on the twelfth day of May, he and his bandmates were startled to see Jonghyun’s name on the first place block when they watched that Friday night. Never in their dreams did they think that one of them would ever get the first place… and to their delight, it was their quiet leader who was recognized by the national producers by simply working hard to prove himself worthy of attention and support.

Who would have known that _that one episode_ would change his rank evidently? It was actually nothing; he just did his leader duties even if he was initially against the idea of leading a group. He just pushed Hyunbin to give his one hundred percent best, and boom, here he was, creating a lot of buzz on SNS. Nation’s leader, angel leader, onibugi leader… majority of the masses praise him for his leadership skills, which he honestly thought was of no big deal. It was just unfortunate how Hyunbin received all the hate since the incident, and since then, the taller man became timid and broken like a baby.

Going back to the topic about ranking, Minhyun rose from eleventh up to the fourth place, and Dongho finally entered the top eleven by snagging the eighth place. It could have been a joyous event had not the maknae was obviously frustrated at what was happening. From the position evaluation announcement up to the present, disappointment was written on Minki’s face because of his comparatively low ranking.

Minki was the eighteenth ranking trainee during the sixth episode, and one did not need to be Einstein or Solomon to read the shame and displeasure on his face. Also, the aired clip of the normally confident diva groaning when he got the fourth _—the lowest—_ place in their group performance where he was with Dongho and two other trainees was more than enough to make Jonghyun see that the show was ruining their maknae…

 

 

His dear friend who used to be a bouncing ball of endorphins and optimism…

 

 

His sweet, fluffball of a bandmate who believed in himself and in miracles…

 

 

His beloved sweetheart, who was the light of his world…

 

 

Ah, no. Minki was his sun, where his world revolved ceaselessly.

 

 

Now, Choi Minki was a vessel threatening to collapse with just one more blow.

 

 

Minki was obviously on his breaking point, and it would make things worse if he would be deprived of the space he silently asked with his expressive eyes. So, Jonghyun chose to turn a blind eye on it…

 

 

 

_For a while._

 

 

 

The five of them had long had any free schedule to hang out. The younger four members were too crushed from the physical, mental and emotional stress from the stupid, biased show especially at the news of the upcoming elimination. Modesty aside, none of them were worrying about the elimination because their ranks from the sixth episode were pretty secure. What kind of worried them was that the friends they made in the show had a chance to be eliminated.

And oh. The ranking was the very reason that they were gathered in the JRen dorm; to celebrate the success of the sudden rise of their albums in various charts, and the members’ high ranks, especially the leader who they had been teasing since the sixth episode’s airing.

The leader insisted that it was just luck or it was just because he was a hot topic at the moment. In more meaningful terms, the ranking that ensued was just from the heat of the moment. The onibugi cutie kept on saying that the current ranking was unstable, but being the goofball his hyung was, Aron insisted that they hold a mini celebration with chicken and beer, and waste the night in the dorm.

“It isn’t just about you anyway, feeler.” Aron managed to drown out Jonghyun’s whines and dragged him in the dorm, where the three were already waiting.

 

 

They had been drinking since the past hour, sharing various experiences of the majority that joined the survival show that would save their unfortunate, flop asses.

Being called flops didn’t hurt anymore as much as it did before. It only drove the desire of the four to prove the whole damn Korea and the world that sleeping on Nu’est was the biggest mistake everyone did in the past years.

“The buzz on the internet was no joke.” The eldest among them chattered happily about the Korean and international articles, forums, Youtube and Naver comments, and lengths and lengths of paragraphs full of praises that were never dedicated to them when they were still active as a group…

 

 

_As flops._

 

 

“Can’t wait to see you sit on the throne, our cute little onibugi.” A drunk Minhyun wrapped his long arms around his angel leader, giggling manically while rubbing his cheek on Jonghyun’s shoulder.

“I told you. It’s either Jihoon or Daniel in the end,” Jonghyun said for the umpteenth time of the week, but Minhyun didn’t give a fuck and just buried his face on Jonghyun’s armpit.

“Shit, shit, Minhyunnie. You know I’m ticklish.” Jonghyun knocked the other’s head in an attempt to make the younger go away but to no avail. The leader turned to the all smiles member for help, but Dongho merely ruffled the former’s hair like a dog, grinning at him as if telling Jonghyun to let their group’s mother be.

“At least he is not nagging about cleaning the dorms. That’s way worse,” Dongho whispered lowly, causing Minhyun to hiss in annoyance while muttering incoherent house rules and cleanliness quotes to Dongho who was the most disorganized out of the five.

“Three of you got into the top eleven, right?” Aron slurred, and Jonghyun answered with a grunt. He knew that everyone was drunk and their screwed minds were spewing random topics just to keep the night going, but honestly, Jonghyun just want to cut this shit. Not because he did not want to spend any quality time with his band members but well…

Normally, _someone_ would retort to an intoxicated Minhyun—who was currently making a kissy face to the leader who was trying his best to push him away—for stealing _his_ boyfriend, but that someone was rather busy twirling the remaining contents of his can of beer while staring at nothing in particular.

 

 

The lack of tender loving violence from Choi Minki was more than enough to say that he was still affected by the ranking, by his losses, by the lack of screen time, or the pitiful situation itself. Probably, he was screaming ‘you do not have to rub it on my fucking face that I do not belong in that fucked up top eleven’ in his head at a clueless Aron who was babbling all about the show the whole night.

 

 

Jonghyun was too busy observing his lover that the sounds of Dongho grumbling about Minhyun’s cranky attitude the next morning due to the impending hangover and the younger’s nagging response of his bandmate being annoying tuned out in the background. He didn’t mind the cold tiles of the dorm, or the clutter of discarded trash on the center table anymore, too engrossed watching Minki drift in his own world.

The blonde maknae, despite the darkness of the dimly lit living room, could be seen isolating himself by sitting far from the center table compared to the other four. He was not picking his food that was barely touched, even if he already finished a few cans of beer.

“Why are you not eating, our beautiful maknae? Food’s getting cold.” The eldest’s arm wrapped around the said blonde’s skinny shoulders who barely squirmed at the bold skinship unlike his usual response. Jonghyun stared at Minki who just woke up from whatever stupor was keeping him away from the real world once Aron grabbed his can of beer and chugged it down his throat. Instead of whining like he usually did, Minki just proceeded on shoving a spoonful of rice and chicken skin as if nothing happened.

“Weird. You’re not even pushing me this time.” Aron, who was too tipsy to even understand the reason behind Minki’s lack of response, merely shifted on his seat and tightened his hold around the maknae on purpose of annoying him, but Minki was clearly not in the mood to mind. Jonghyun noted how Minki’s eyes looked empty and distant, which was so not his erstwhile jolly boyfriend.

“Oh god! You have become so thin!” Aron gasped, and Minki squirmed uncomfortably once he felt all the living room’s occupants’ gazes on him. “What did they do to you? Was the damn Mnet not letting you eat?”

 

 

Actually, Minki was barely eating even outside of the training camp’s facilities, thus, his drastic weight loss.

 

 

“Hyung, you kept on saying that since the show began,” Minki responded with a low chuckle that sounded forced, but his bandmates were too drunk to catch the quiver in his voice as he spoke.

 

 

Well, except that one person who was secretly glancing at him every now and then.

 

 

“I hate that damn show,” Aron blabbered while reaching for his can of beer to take a sip. “I read that a lot of trainees were ruined because of the evil editing. Poor kids. They are too young to experience such pain. They haven’t even started their careers yet.”

“They are even ruining Dongho but well the sang namja power was too much to resist.” Minhyun _finally_ detached himself from Jonghyun, did a fist pump in the air and did a fucked up version of BTS’s Boy In Luv while singing ‘wae nae mameul heundeuneun geondae’ off tune.

Dongho shook his head and smacked his friend’s head, who, as a response, laughed heartily while laying on the cold floor.

“I always have a dose of Jonghyun’s stupid face on TV. I’m also tired hearing Minhyun’s laughter and CEO-like observations about the trainees, and sexy bandit my ass, Dongho,” Aron scoffed, earning an eye roll from Dongho who was kicking Minhyun for laying his heavy limbs on Dongho’s leg.

“Y’all get those exposures while I rarely see my baby on the screen.” Aron sounded like he was cooing, but honestly, it was doing nothing good to the depressed maknae. He shoved a piece of chicken in Minki’s mouth who already had trouble chewing on his food. “It’s just so unfair. The screen time distribution is shit. I think that the longest I saw our pretty Rennie was on the first episode.”

Everyone knew that Aron meant no harm, but Jonghyun was sure that the statement rubbed salt on Minki’s wound. Minhyun and Dongho were too busy bickering and Aron was too intoxicated to care about the words spilling from his mouth to even notice the way Minki gulped at the statement.

Aron muttered his frustrations mindlessly in mixed Korean and English, the alcohol evidently taking over his rational mind. “Minki was not given a lapel during their group meeting for Playing With Fire. You kept on being cut off the screen. Even the audience have more exposure than you during the actual performance. How cruel. My baby looked so sick and quiet during the rehearsal. Are they keeping my baby stressed? Crappy Mnet.”

“Perhaps Mnet thinks that I’m not worth airing unless necessary.” Minki tried to make his tone as light as he could, but of course, if there was one last person that he could fool, it was Jonghyun.

 

 

Despite the darkness, Jonghyun sensed that Minki was avoiding his inquiring gaze. The leader knew the answer to each of his questions, but he wanted to hear the answers from Minki’s own lips. He wanted the younger to vent out to him. _No._ If Minki felt uncomfortable with him, then at least, to the others who would not think twice lending their ears to their maknae.

 

 

That’s… what lovers, friends and bandmates are for, right?

 

 

It was unfair how Minki made Jonghyun assured that the leader could always speak his mind and tell of his frustrations, all in the while that Minki was hiding his unspoken troubles.

Jonghyun didn’t want to push him, thinking that it would just open the wound that might or might not be closing at all. Right now though, it was evident how the wound was still gaping, bleeding crimson droplets from the stabbing anguish that remained buried in Minki’s heart.

It hurt seeing his Minki being a lifeless bag of skin and bones. The stars in his eyes were gone, and his sunny smile was now a distant memory. If it was the stressful show, the endless worries of not winning and the possibility of disbanding, loss of identity, or the thousand of things running in Minki’s mind, Jonghyun didn’t know. All he was certain about was that Minki was gradually changing after years of constant failures.

It made Jonghyun upset of himself that he could not do anything to change the situation, or to make Minki a little bit better.

If he could exchange ranks with Minki, then he would certainly do, if that would be the only thing that would make his young lover turn back to his old, optimistic self.

 

 

 

“You’re drinking too much.” The beauty looked up to the source of the honeyed voice, and met his lover’s concerned orbs. The drunk boy grinned widely, only to whine when Jonghyun grabbed the can of beer from his hand. “Jonghyunnie! T-That’s my drink. You drank your own already. Gimme my driiiiiiiiink.”

“Stop whining, will you.” The elder swatted the hand that was reaching for the can, and turned to glare at the maknae. “Choi Minki.”

“Okay, mister,” Minki crossed his arms in an attempt to be playful. “I’ll only stop drinking once you guess how many cans I drank tonight.”

 _“Choi Minki.”_ This time, the tone was stern and authoritative, and Minki could only sigh in defeat. “How dare you use your leadership on me, Nation’s leader?” Jonghyun simply stared at the laughing boy, and he could not think of anything but scoop the boy off his seat.

“Jonghyunnie, drink. Minki wants to drink.” The younger whined at his boyfriend’s chest who carried him to their bed in no time.

“Smells nice. Jonghyunnie smells so nice. Minki likes it.” The younger giggled once he was laid on the cozy sheets. He buried his face on Jonghyun’s pillow, nuzzling the handsome scent of the elder. He wriggled, grabbing the hem of the comforter to bury himself in the warmth. However, due to his hazy senses, he barely moved the comforter where he was currently lying on.

He was taken aback once a hand draped the edge of the sheets around him and wrapped him like a burrito.

“Onibugi,” he giggled once he was surrounded by the thick cover, only to be pulled against his lover’s chest. “Hey, it’s too warm you idiot—“

 _“Talk to me, love.”_ The tone was hushed and almost an inaudible whisper, but Minki surely heard it by the manner his body froze.

“Sweetheart, talk to me.” Jonghyun cooed once again when Minki didn't give a response.

"I'm sleepy," purred the maknae as he stirred to get off his lover, who only tightened the hold around him.

Jonghyun heaved a deep sigh once the younger started whining and wriggling in his arms. He buried his face on Minki's exposed neck and whispered, "baby, I may not help that much but you can always vent it out on me, like you told me to do when I feel burdened, right?"

“You guys worry about me too much.” The younger insisted, “I’m alright. I’m alive and kicking. I lost a few kilos but I swear that I am well and—“  
  
“Don’t pretend that you’re okay.” Jonghyun remained calm despite his patience getting thinner and thinner at the evident lie. “I had been silent up to this day because I wanted you to open up but heck, I am tired of all these pretentious acts. I am also tired of pretending that I am not seeing everything. I can see how broken you are, baby, and it upsets me so much how much you’re keeping everything to yourself. You bawled at me before for being so secretive but here you are, not telling me what is running in your mind. Fine, I know everything. I can read you like an open book. I just want to hear everything from your own lips. I hate pretending that I do not hear your sniffles every single night since the position evaluation. You’re worrying us so much, Minki. You are not you at all. I miss seeing you being chirpy, your Lady Gaga obsession, your fascination on the simplest things and just… the real you. Everything about you now; your smile, your confidence… everything is a fake.”

Minki took the chance and sat up, still wrapped in the thick sheets as he glared down at his boyfriend. “I do not want to talk about it. Can’t you just leave me alone? I just need space. Is that too much to ask—”

“We gave you too much space so here you are, drifting farther and farther away from us… from me. You will never heal if you keep on running from the problem. It hurts seeing you like this, Minki. I thought we are a team. I thought we should be open with each other. I thought that we are supposed to be sticking with each other.”

“You will never understand,” the younger answered bitterly, avoiding the other’s warm gaze. “You already reached the peak of the summit while I am still lagging behind. The other two are already chasing after you, but here I am, desperately trying to reach your feats. But I can’t… I am a disappointment.”

“Babe, you know that it isn’t true. You—“

“Yeah. ‘Do not think of that. You are Ren. You’re the most popular member in Nu’est.’ Who the fuck even cares about that? That was waaaaaaaaaaay back in the past!” The babe hollered, which was quickly followed by a laugh so empty it sent chills to Jonghyun’s bones.

“CEO Hwang, Nation’s leader, Sexy Bandit, and the member who didn’t join the show. You guys have titles. What about me? Am I the twink who used to have long hair? That one member who never gets enough screen time? That one blondie who was never excellent in everything he does? Who am I, Jonghyun? Do I really belong?” The blonde whimpered, not noticing the fat tears flowing down his delicate face. “Why do you even bother talking this out with me? You should be resting now. The next filming is in a few days and you cannot bear to have eye bags. You should just assist the other three back to their rooms. Why are you even here with me? Just let me have a good night rest—“

“Because I love you, idiot!” Minki’s blurry eyes widened at the unexpected remark. He saw Jonghyun shifting on the bed to sit across Minki. The elder used his small hands to grab the bigger hands of his younger lover, trying to clasp them in his own. Minki could hear the heavy breaths of his leader, and before long, he could hear light sniffles and frustrated grunts, making the maknae’s heart crumble.

“Before we joined this shitty show, I was your leader first, Minki. I was your senior trainee, then I became your friend and band member before everything of this happened.” Minki heard the quiver in the other’s voice, making his defiant stance disappear in a blink of an eye. The last thing that the maknae wanted was to hurt the leader who did nothing but take care of his well being and made him feel the happiest person on earth in the past years. “J-Jonghyun…”

“Let me finish.” Minki felt the other squeeze his hand, and he swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he tried to listen. “In case you forgot, I am your boyfriend for three years, and we had been through everything through thick and thin. We fool around like we’re partners in crime, we talk about the simplest things without getting bored, and do almost everything together. We cuddle, we argue, we make love, and now, we are fighting this battle together. Believe me if I say that I would not think twice switching ranks with you if that would make you happy. Or, I do not even mind if you want me to quit the show.”

Jonghyun heard Minki gasp at the last statement, who then profusely shook his head. “Jonghyun, that isn’t—“

“Who cares if I have the fame? Who cares if I get in? You know how deeply I care for the group and my dream to continue performing onstage with you guys. But babe, I want you to know that you’re my number one priority. I can leave everything I have just for you.” Jonghyun's sincere words rang through the room, bouncing back in Minki's ears. “I’ll pay people to vote you if you want. I’ll leave the show if you tell me so. I can even leave Pledis for whatever reason you want. I’ll even sell my soul if that will bring all the joy you deserve in this lifetime. These things may sound retarded and exaggerated to you but babe… Always remember, I’ll do everything for you, sweetheart, because I love you so much. It hurts how much you keep on pushing me away.”

 

 

 

_I can leave everything I have just for you._

 

 

 

Minki believed him.

 

 

 

_I’ll do everything for you, sweetheart, because I love you so much._

 

 

 

Minki knew it. How did he even forget?

 

 

 

_It hurts how much you keep on pushing me away._

 

 

 

It hurt Minki, too.

 

 

 

“I am sorry for hurting you, Jonghyun-ah." Minki leaned closer and rested his warm face on Jonghyun's shoulder. “I forgot that… that… Ugh. I am sorry. This is all my fault. I had been so selfish. I... D-Don’t get the wrong idea, please. I am happy for all of you. I really am. It is just that… goodness. I feel inferior alongside you guys. I suck. Life sucks. I do not know what is even happening with me.”

Jonghyun found himself surrounding the fragile boy with the safe haven that was his arms, pressing Minki close to his beating heart. Indeed, the knowledge of Minki losing faith to himself stabbed like a thousand needles in Jonghyun’s chest, but the leader felt his heart wrench more at the actual sight of his beloved crying, totally at loss in desperate tears.

“Why can’t I excel?” The younger male whimpered, snuggling himself closer in the comfortable warmth of the covers and his leader’s arms shielding him from the harsh realities of the world. “It’s just so unfair. It is so unfair.” He muttered all over again, pouring all the suppressed heartaches in garbled syllables. Jonghyun just let him be, holding Minki close while caressing his head in a soothing manner. He could not stop the new set of tears that threatened to fall. He felt helpless, useless even, because he could do nothing for his weeping lover.

"I feel like I lost my identity when I had my long hair cut. Was it just the reason I stood out before? Can't I offer anything besides that? My singing is average. So is my dancing. My visuals are deteriorating. I do not even know my purpose in the group. I feel so at loss. At the show, yes, at that damn show, did you see all the trainees? They shine better than me. Some may even be mistaken as debuted idols. While me… I’m so incompetent. I can’t offer anything. I am replaceable. Why am I like this, Jonghyun? Why can't I be as great as any of them? Why can't I reach you, guys? Why can't I be interesting just for the PD to stop cutting my parts out? Why does a debuted idol like me feeling this way? What if I don't re-debut? Will I rot in the basement for one and a half year until you guys come back to the group? I do not know anymore, Jonghyun.”

It took several minutes for the babe to calm down. His sobs finally turned into hushed sniffles, and his shaking body gradually relaxed in his boyfriend’s hold who was rocking his body to a state of languor and serenity. Jonghyun never said a word as he did so; he was merely humming a tune so familiar to the broken male in his arms. Soon, Jonghyun was parting his lips, singing softly to the beautiful melody.

 _“Hello, Hello, kienai niji o egakou,_  
Bokura ga te o nigitte  
Hontō no hashi o kakeru nda  
Mada mada subetewo wakaranai mama  
Ai o katarenaikedo  
Kokorokara shinji atte ikitai…”

 _“We can bridge the world~”_ Minki breathed the last line in unison with Jonghyun. Minki moved a little and looked up to meet his lover’s orbs, who stared at him as if he was the most treasured possession on earth. “You’re singing,” he murmured with a slight smile on his lips.

“I assumed that it will induce your sleep,” the elder chuckled while bringing his thumb to wipe the tears on the younger’s face. “Did I sound bad?”

“You’re the only one who thinks so,” Minki replied while continuing to lock gazes with his lover. “You do not like singing on front other people, even us. What pushed you to do so?”

“I told you. I’ll do anything for you,” the leader smiled warmly, which also cracked a lovely smile on his boyfriend’s lips. “See? You’re smiling now.”

“You’re so sweet. I do not know what I did for me to have you.” He tilted his chin upwards, and Jonghyun quickly understood it as he dove for a kiss on the younger’s lips.

“Simple. I fell for who you are.” The elder replied after pulling away, fondly sweeping the stray strands from his lover’s forehead. “I do not want you to change the slightest. It hurts how much you suffered alone when all along, I am just here, willing to listen.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Minki guiltily answered. He slipped his arms off the comforter and threw them around his boyfriend. Jonghyun, startled, stumbled back on the soft surface while pulling Minki down with him.

“I do not need apologies. All I need is for you to be more open about yourself, love.” He pecked a tender kiss on Minki’s forehead, who closed his eyes in bliss from the simple action.

 

 

 

God. He was surely falling for his leader over and over again.

 

 

 

“This may be our last chance and this may determine our career.” Jonghyun said in a low, gentle voice. “We may not know Pledis’s plans for us once the contract of the winning trainees expires. I do not know if any of us can even go back to Nu’est after that or if we’re doomed. But for now, I’ll fight. We’ll fight. If we lose, then okay. We all know to ourselves that we fought a good fight. This may be our everything because this is our dream but, I do not know with you, but as for me…” He paused, staring at his lover’s face lit by the moonlight outside. Minki’s eyes were drooping, and Jonghyun felt that he was the same, but he still said the words he always wanted to say. “I… I would always be by your side no matter what happens. I love you, not as Ren, but as Choi Minki, my one and only. No matter if your hair is long... no matter if you decide to dye your hair in black, brown, or in a crazy rainbow… No matter if you go bald, your skin becomes dry, you gain so much weight, you lose all of your teeth or even if you’re diagnosed with some terminal illness, I will continue loving you up to my last breath, because you are my everything. I do not care if you hate me and want to leave the band. I’ll watch over from the distance and ensure that you are safe and sound. I’ll be even the one who will spoil your children if ever you want to settle down with someone else.”

“J-Jonghyun…” Assurance spread through the broken male’s chest, feeling his heart warming in the meaningful confession. Though it was awkward and somewhat cliché, he could not bring himself to sass and make fun of his loving boyfriend. Deep down, he knew it; they were definitely soulmates, destined to be with each other up to their last days.

 

 

“That’s how I love you, Minki.”

 

 

“I love you, too, Kim Jonghyun,” Minki replied, a smile across his weary features, “my little Onibugi leader.”

 

\--

Reference to Nu’est – Bridge The World Japanese version for that one song I mentioned here. Though, of course, I still find the English version easier to sing.

 


	3. Chapter 3

At last, the journey through the bumpy road came into an end. The four of them treaded the path together, walking hand-in-hand towards their desired destination. But sometimes, whenever the current blew, there was somewhat an inevitable wavering that either pushed them back or pulled the others forward.

In Minki's case, he lagged behind. His other friends he met along the way stumbled in the middle the bumpy road, leaving Minki no choice but to continue his own journey to chase after his bandmates. Still, they advanced further, leaving Minki behind for a couple of distances. They took more steps further away from the maknae who failed to grasp their outstretched arms, and Minki found the gap between them too far to overcome.

Indeed, there was not a pot of gold for Minki at the end. He _almost_ reached the finish line as one of the potential victors of the race, but before he could do so, he stumbled on his weary feet. As he laid on the ground in distress and disappointment, he could only stare ahead to watch his fellow competitors make it to the end.

 

 

_So near yet so far._

 

 

He would have actually preferred if he was a total loser from the very beginning, but judging from the ranks he beheld through the whole journey, his fate was sealed to  just watch the others reach their rosy dreams while he was just... _almost a winner._

 

 

 

Someone who was good, but not good enough.

 

 

 

Though, he could not care that he did not make it because someone more important needed to be comforted.

 

 

 

He kind of expected that Dongho would not get in, _but Jonghyun..._

 

 

 

_No one saw it coming._

 

 

 

No one expected that the leader—who got first place for two consecutive weeks and showed most progress from everyone in their group—would not get in the final eleven.

Jonghyun was smiling the whole night, probably in effort to cheer Minhyun up who was the only one who got in. Despite his own victory, Minhyun bawled his eyes out in sadness that Jonghyun did not make the cut.

It was their agency's goal; for at least one or two of them to make it to the final eleven. That fact alone was enough to ensure them about their group's continuous existence. But it was so unfair for Jonghyun. He worked the hardest. He strived the most. He encouraged every one in the show whenever they were down. He helped the other trainees be the better versions of themselves and did his leader duties beyond what was necessary. He sacrificed a lot and did not deserve being left out.

 

Minki already expected that he himself would not make it. He was done undergoing the moping and self-pitying stage and was mentally prepared to be left behind by his three bandmates. He was ready to be stuck with Aron, uncertain of what was Pledis planning for the two of them. He already accepted his doom and prepared himself for the worst which was evident since the beginning, but what he was not ready for was the aching devastation when Jonghyun failed to make it.

 

Right after the finale, they went drinking during the dawn, planning to pass the time encouraging themselves despite the disappointing results of the show. The three did their best to comfort Minhyun who was downcast the whole time. Though, no comforting words could console and uplift the burden and guilt Minhyun bore in his heart. Their drunk selves threw their arms to each other while murmuring "gain strength" every now and then. They poured their hearts with every drink from their cups until their weary, gloomy souls were satisfied.

The next morning was spent trying to nurse their hangovers. Jonghyun and Minki stayed in their own dorm, unceremoniously sprawled on Jonghyun's bed up to the afternoon because of the pounding sensation in their heads.

They visited Minhyun in the other dorm to check up on him, only to find the door locked, indicating that the occupants of the dorm were still snoring their asses out.

They just let their bandmate rest who would be leaving in two to three days to proceed to the Wanna One members' dorm provided by YMC.

The couple spent the day replying to encouraging messages from their family, friends, acquaintances and labelmates. A couple of minutes after washing their faces and eating instant ramen for lunch, they found themselves snuggling and cuddling under the covers while watching an animated movie in Jonghyun’s room, something they had not done for quite a long time. Jonghyun wore nothing but sweatpants, while Minki wore a loose shirt and a pair of boxers. The younger’s head laid on the elder’s chest, while his arm draped on top of the Jonghyun's waist. Jonghyun, on the other hand, pulled Minki closer by his arm around the babe’s shoulder, occasionally rubbing it in a relaxing sort of way. His free hand fed the two of them with whatever food they had at the moment and wiped the mess smeared on his lover’s lips.

The movie was nowhere exciting, and soon, the two of them neither paid attention to the big screen at all. Jonghyun's hand rose from Minki's shoulder to the maknae's hairstrands, caressing the smooth locks of the babe. Minki let out an approving hum and scooted closer like there was more space to fill between their bodies already pressed together. Jonghyun smiled at the gesture, and rubbed his blunt nails on Minki’s scalp, earning him a series of incoherent mumbles that said ‘keep going.’

 

"Jonghyun, pick up the damn phone," Minki murmured groggily while glaring at the vibrating phone lying on the nightstand. "It was vibrating for the umpteenth time already. Don't you think it's important?"

"I just want to spend the day with my lovely boyfriend without any distractions," Jonghyun answered with a playful tone, to which Minki rolled his eyes.

Minki knew it was not fully true. Jonghyun was evidently avoiding anything that was related with the results of the show. For that reason, the maknae chose not to push the man to speak. He knew how much it hurt; Minki himself was greatly affected from the downfall of his beloved boyfriend.

Minki refrained from reading the articles and comments online. Jonghyun himself was not reading them, so why would he? He did not want to feel the pain of each and every comment saying how much Jonghyun deserved to win but he did not. He did not want to see the commending posts about his lover after the nation slept on someone as perfect as Jonghyun. He did not want to tremble in rage at whoever he deemed at fault; Mnet, the national producers, or _even Minki himself._

"Shut up," Minki whispered. He then asked, "anyway, are we going to attend the gathering party on the next weekend?"

"Yes," Jonghyun replied, "most of the trainees are coming. It would be nice to bond with them again."

"Good. I miss my Minki Gaga squad even if I just saw them during the rehearsal and the finals."

Jonghyun laughed. "Those kids really like you, don't they?"

The maknae wanted to joke 'who would not like me anyway' but the lingering thoughts of being rejected by the national producers and being called a cheater for a senior idol like him joining the show stopped him.

Instead he answered, "yup. Gunhee was bugging me with messages that we should come at the gathering. Dongbin and Yongjin were the same. I almost threw my phone earlier because they sent replies all at the same time."

"At least you do not have Seonho clinging at you like a koala." The maknae laughed at the memory of the byeongari squeezing the life out of Minhyun by constant skinship and intimacy.

Minki laid his cheek on the warm expanse of his boyfriend's skin. Feeling and hearing Jonghyun's relaxing heartbeats caused Minki to be drowsier than he already was. He yawned and closed his eyes in an attempt to fall asleep especially when silence reigned in the room.

 

 

That was, until Jonghyun broke the ice.

 

 

"Are you still thinking about that damn competition?" Minki almost jumped from his spot at the sudden remark. He focused on the TV screen which flashed the main lead running with the leading lady away from the bad guys. He did not have the confidence to admit what he was thinking of right on Jonghyun's face. "It's not about me anymore. It's about you," he answered without looking at the elder male.

"I'm concerned. I want to hear the answer even if I know you're going to pretend you're fine," he added when Jonghyun did not speak.

"I don't have the audacity to lie to my boyfriend. I'm not fine at all," Minki heard Jonghyun say in a solemn manner.

The silence that the maknae offered was more than enough to encourage Jonghyun to go on. "I'm devastated. I failed a lot of people, like eomma, appa, our friends and labelmates, the national producers who believed in me, Pledis..."

How Minki wanted to retort 'here we go with blaming yourself and thinking of others again' but he bit his tongue hard, knowing that Jonghyun did not need any of those scoldings.

"It would have been better if you were me." Minki tilted his chin to meet Jonghyun's inquiring gaze. "I mean, it is better if you did not have a taste of short-lived victory. From the beginning, I am a loser. I was fated to be in the top twenty to watch the winners be called while I wait for nothing. I did not expect that much ever since the third elimination so the pain was almost not there. Because of that, I did not find myself caring when I found out that I placed last during the finale."

"I'd rather have you feel the lesser pain then," the leader muttered in reply. He continued stroking the babe's hair while locking their gazes together. He could easily read the underlying messages in his lover's eyes, making him say, "I know how your mind works. You're plotting for Mnet's destruction the whole day. Come on. Forget about it."

"They touched you," Minki grunted and crossed his arms in annoyance at the very mention of the network's name. "Editing ninety-eight percent of my appearances out of the episodes is one thing, but them fucking with my boyfriend is a completely different matter I won't tolerate. You did a lot of good things in the show..."

They were days when Minki was noisy because he was happy; when he was deadly silent because of stress or when he was angry and he blabbered all his worries. At that moment, it was definitely the last case. Good thing that Jonghyun knew, and he mentally braced himself for his boyfriend's dirty little mouth.

"Baby, I think it is not Mnet's fault—"

"Fuck Mnet. Fuck Korea—"

"Babe, for the love of Korea, it is not appropriate to disrespect our Mother Land—"

"Shut up and let me talk," the maknae spat dangerously and before Jonghyun could answer, Minki already started his rant. "The result is obviously fucking rigged. It's fake. Mnet fucked up, or maybe even Pledis. Perhaps they had some negotiations about how the leader should be present in the next come back. Or maybe Mnet considers you a threat to the other Wanna One members, or they simply hate us to death. Or maybe they want to play with you like they did me dirty. It is so impossible for people not to vote for you. And if ever they didn't, they're fucking stupid! They do not know who they missed. You saved the asses of some in the show who were included in the final lineup. If you did not fucking wiped their poops, then they won't be even there. If you did not fucking share the spotlight then they're doomed. Can't the retarded so-called national producers see that? Fucking shit. Should the international fans have voted? Wanna One will be touring overseas anyway. You could have surely won if the imbecile, moronic Mnet did not change the rules. I thank the national producers for supporting you but shit, I do not know where did it all go wrong. Voting for you through the whole season, and they would drop you on the final day?"

"Babe, it is a one pick voting system. And oh, they are not retarded. The people just like the other trainees more. It is understandable that most of the voters were teens and they liked fresher—"

"Why aren't you the people's first choice?" Minki scoffed and jabbed his boyfriend's chest with his index finger to emphasize his point. "You proved to the whole damn world how you are inhumanely patient and nice and that the world does not deserve you at all. Sometimes I even think if you are an angel that got lost ages ago in this chaotic place of a planet. You are so unbelievable. Your voice and laugh are so damn cute and your stupid dinosaur face is totally fucking handsome that I always have a hard time suppressing a boner. Your deep rapping voice can make me cum untouched on the spot. You are so gentle when you touch me and you are so considerate that you even delay having sex even if your dick is raging whenever you think I am too exhausted for that. You do not even mark me when we have schedules the next day so the coordi-noonas won't have a difficult time concealing them. Damn, you even finger me so much just for me not to get hurt. You often forget yourself and that makes me want to punch you square on the face. But well I cannot do that because you are so squishingly precious."

As much as Jonghyun's groin heated at the sexual references his fired up boyfriend mindlessly muttered, he tried to remain calm. His baby's breath blew on his bare skin, tickling Jonghyun in the sweetest ways. Even if Minki's smooth legs pressed against his were distracting him, he stopped himself from making any move, knowing that the maknae still had so much to say.

Minki went on blabbering another set of profanities about how others ignored his boyfriend. The lengthy speech shifted from praising Jonghyun, lecturing him about he should be selfish sometimes and the intense cursing and swearing to Mnet for the understandable and also the irrational reasons. Jonghyun was smiling all the time his lover and maknae talked in a hurried manner. He watched as Minki's forehead creased and his brows knitted while murmuring vulgar remarks; when Minki snorted and scoffed while reprimanding Jonghyun for being too kind; and the way Minki's lips moved with every words he said. The way the beauty pouted, huffed, jutted his bottom lip out and opened his mouth mesmerized Jonghyun.

Minki ended his rant with a meaningful, "you are Kim Jonghyun. You are you. You are not just someone with a really common name or a dinosaur face. You are JR of Nu'est, the best leader I ever had. Best lover ever, too. Anyone who thinks of dumping you is so fucking, superlatively stupid. Good thing you have me. I don't have plans of disposing a gold like you at all. I mean, I already snagged you with my charms. No way I'm letting others have you."

A bashful Minki, who was staring down on Jonghyun's chest the whole time he said his last statements looked up to meet Jonghyun who was _chuckling._ The maknae intended to glare at his leader but he melted at the beautiful crescents of the latter's glimmering eyes, and the pale, pink lips stretched into a sunny smile.

"W-Why are you laughing?" Minki asked, his voice breaking in an attempt to suppress a squeak when Jonghyun's hand on the babe's waist slipped in the hem of his shirt. "Bastard. Do I look like a clown to you?"

"You always talk fast when you are hyped," Jonghyun laughed before nuzzling Minki's fragrant brown locks. "You can be Nu'est's new rapper, baby."

"You are ridiculous," Minki rolled his eyes and buried his face on Jonghyun's chest.

Jonghyun laughed. His other hand reached for the remote control and switched off the television. He caressed the soft skin that was his boyfriend's tummy while his other hand draped over Minki's frame. The maknae threw his leg on top of Jonghyun's thigh and pressed closer to the leader.

With their intimate position, they could feel and hear each other's breath and the calm beating of their hearts. Minki felt at home. He reveled over the fact that he was cuddling with his lover and that the act brought comfort to his stressed out being.

"It's nice to know that you think in that way about me," Jonghyun said in a small voice. "That's all I needed to be okay."

"I did nothing." Minki frowned while raising himself to snuggle on the crook of Jonghyun's neck. "I cannot do anything to change the results. But maybe, if I did not join the show, there was no need for the fandom to split the votes just for me. I should have just got eliminated or did not join at all."

Jonghyun tensed at the remark. That was just too much. He gently tapped the boy's chin, but the latter won't look up. Still, Jonghyun voiced out his displeasure. "What the hell are you talking about? Aren't you being irrational in thinking that way?"

"I could not help it," Minki pouted, hiding his face further on Jonghyun's neck. "It is true. It was definitely a waste that I joined the show. I even placed last in the top twenty. My almost three hundred thousand votes could have been yours instead."

"Is it your hobby to stab my heart with those kind of remarks once in a while?" Jonghyun grimaced but did not pull away from his lover.

"I was just being honest," Minki answered and pecked the elder's skin. "I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you."

"You blaming yourself over such a reason is the last thing I ever wanted to happen, baby." He placed a chaste kiss on the crown of Minki’s head, and went on. "You joined the show because you need it. It is not a waste and never will be. Here we are now, ready to grasp any potential opportunities appearing on our way. We may have lost but the results are probably for the better, baby. At least we got the recognition we needed. A lot of people are congratulating us because we rose through the charts and 'Hello' is rumored to be nominated in Inkigayo. The CEO also gave a hint that we may have a comeback without Minhyun, right? Who knows? We may get CF offers. We may be product endorsers. Who knows? We may start our tour again next year. We may get whatever we craved and strived for through the years. Every thing happens for a reason, baby. In the meanwhile, let us just enjoy our time with our families, our friends, and of course, one another. Aren't you happy? You can get your nails done again. You can stan Lady Gaga fulltime after months of being outdated. We can secretly go on dates on a regular basis just like the old times. You can now live a day without worrying over getting eliminated and cramming to get a stage performance done. What is important now is that we are still surviving and we still have a future ahead of us."

"You are right," Minki muttered in agreement.

"Besides, the leader's duty is to lead the group. I do not know how I'll stay relaxed if you guys have a comeback without me. Of course I believe you can all do it but I am worried about how you will handle your health during the busy schedules. Also, I cannot imagine leading a team other than my own anyway. As much as I love those kids, I cannot grasp the thought of not leading a team without you in it." Jonghyun whispered, his caresses on his lover’s scalp never stopping. "You guys are my family."

"You sound like a father you idiot." Minki rubbed his cheek on Jonghyun's skin affectionately despite the mocking remark the maknae just made. “Though, now that I think about it, we somewhat owe Mnet in agreeing to get us. Maybe we'll finally disband for real if we did not join the show."

Before Jonghyun could say a word, Minki added, "but I still loathe that damn company to the bones. Fucking rigged results. How dare they victimize you?"

"You read so much comments and analyses on the internet which causes a lot of unnecessary stress and doubts," Jonghyun heaved a sigh. "Mnet, national producers, you, me, or even fate; no matter who we think is at fault, what is done is done. We can only look forward and dream for a fresh start as the better versions of ourselves that the trials we experienced molded us to be. Whether we walk on the flowery path or not, we should never lose hope and just do our best."

"You are such a grandpa," Minki huffed in feigned irritation, but his boyfriend could tell that the former shared the same sentiments.

The maknae only raised his head when he heard a package ripping. Before he could whine and inquire what Jonghyun was doing, a Pepero stick was shoved in his mouth.

"W-What in the world..."

"You talk too much, baby." Jonghyun's lips curled into mischievous smile Minki could easily distinguish from all the smiles his lover had. "Why don't you use your mouth for something more worthwhile?" The leader bit the other end of the stick and inched closer to Minki's lips.

Minki was too flustered to even make a sassy remark, and he just watched Jonghyun moving closer and closer until their lips made contact and collided for a sweet kiss. Jonghyun quickly cupped Minki's face, deepening the liplocking session that was getting more heated as moments passed by.

Even when the sweet treat was not present anymore, no one dared to pull apart, swoon to the bliss of tasting each other's caverns. The explosion of sweetness in their sugary mouths and the hunger for the touch of one another led their tongues to a fight of dominance, searching for intimacy that they barely had during the past months.

A squeak left Minki's mouth who immediately pulled away once he felt the hand in the hem of his shirt trek up to his chest, rubbing the sensitive nubs that were neglected for months.

 

"This is so embarrassing..." Minki whimpered, and breathy moans left his lips when Jonghyun pinched his sensitive bud.

"Come on, we last did this four months ago," Jonghyun pouted and slid his hand down on Minki's boxers. "We did not even make love on my birthday because we were practicing for our performance."

"Jonghyun—"

"I had been so deprived, baby," the leader husked in a honeyed voice that had the maknae's body getting hot. "I want to prove to you how this grandpa can make you scream and forget your name—"

"Okay, fine, fine, shut up!" The maknae replied nervously while mewling softly at the hand massaging his crotch in a sensual way. "P-Plug off the television first and answer whoever was calling."

"Shhhh... lets not mind anything for now," the mischievous leader grinned while reaching for his phone to turn it off. "This is all about you and me. Don't mind anything. Just think of me only, and if you don't, I'll make you remember who you belong to."

"Now, aren't you being so selfish?" Minki teased, pulling Jonghyun closer by the chin. The smirking leader pecked his lips and answered, "I'll only be selfish when it comes to you, baby."

 

 

Perhaps, all that mattered for Minki was that he would face the uncertain future through a new path he would tread with the love of his life.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Minki was having the time of his life.

 

All of them were overwhelmed by the amount of success that the heavens rained down on them since the show ended. At first, he thought that all they would be offered were CF endorsements, a handful of variety show guestings and a temporary increase in their popularity. Minki honestly thought that the fever for their group would die down right after the Produce 101 concert, but at the rate things were going, they all realized that they established a stable, loyal fandom.

A lot of happenings that they thought would only take place in their dreams finally came to reality. Minki, along with Jonghyun, became cosmetic brand endorsers. They showed some of their couple antics and chemistry in “Zone! Zealous!” Minki went to Brussels to film for a variety show where he was caught looking at the sex toys he saw through the shop's window. Jonghyun become part of the Night Goblin cast where he gradually learned to show his clumsy and silly side. Their sub-unit, NU'EST W, released remakes of a few of their old songs and a new track that they wholeheartedly dedicated to Minhyun. They even had a mini concert on V live and were emotional as they talked about their budding success. Any of their V lives, even if they were merely talking and making silly faces on the camera, gained thousands and even millions of hearts which were far different from the two or three viewers they used to have back in the days.

They came to Weekly Idol, various radio programs, fansign events and performed on concerts with other famous and renowned artists. Their big fanmeet event was sold out in just two to three minutes, something that they deemed remotely possible before. They could hardly fill a hundred seats back in the days, and all of a sudden, they performed on front of ten thousand people screaming, cheering and waving their lightsticks for the former ‘losers’ who flopped real hard in the past. It would have been better if Minhyun was there with them, but somehow, the thought of Minhyun achieving success with Wanna One was pleasant enough for Minki.

Minki was thankful that he did not win the survival program. Yes, he made friends with the other Wanna One members throughout the show, but being with his members, his family, was not something he want to exchange with anything else.

He badly missed Minhyun. They all missed messing up with their group mother. They longed to annoy him by purposely leaving the dorms messy— _paging Kang Dongho_ —and though Minki would never admit it, he missed Minhyun’s nagging. He yearned for the incessant knocks on the JRen dorm just for their tallest member to check if they were keeping their dorm squeaky clean and tidy.

Though, as selfish as it sounds, he was also thankful that it was not Jonghyun who ended up winning. Sleeping in different rooms back in Produce 101 was already torturous enough to the maknae so no way in hell he could endure not breathing the same air as the leader for one and a half years.

Pledis was finally giving them the attention they yearned for in the past few years. Though he knew that their CEO was a total jerk for only treating them with regard once they started bringing home money they thought they could never earn, he was still thankful to the heavens for granting them the fruits of their perseverance, persistence and determination.

For their comeback, they were given quality music, an aesthetic, costly music video, solo tracks, a lot of opportunities to showcase their talents and of course, the affection and support of their precious LOVEs. Who would have known that they would have their first ever music show victory after five years? Who would have fathomed that they would be nominated and invited to attend MAMA? Who would have thought that the lowest points of their lives would skyrocket them to the stardom?

Aron was able to stand onstage again after a year of absence. Dongho was recognized for his talent and charms. Jonghyun was a lot more confident with himself, his singing in particular. Minki gained back his self-esteem and power he lost when he was in the survival show. All seemed well. All seemed good.

 

 

_Though, walking on the flower path was not as easy as he thought._

 

 

He thought that they would only lie on a bed of roses, but he forgot that roses have thorns, too.

 

 

One painful experience that happened was the death of Dongho’s father. It ached to see Dongho going on with the promotions despite his heart mourning, but perhaps, this was the price they needed to pay for their success.

Another one was a ridiculous rumor Dongho got involved in, which was thankfully dismissed right after a few days.

Another significant change that happened in their lives was that they could not be as carefree as they used to be. Before, only the person running the convenience store across their dorm recognized them but since their popularity boomed, they could not stroll on the streets, markets and malls without their manager or facemasks. People flock around them while pointing lenses on their faces, shoving each other just to capture a sight of them. Fans, male or female, were screaming and hollering their names together with words of affection almost everywhere they set their feet on.

They could not meet their family members and friends as often as they could before. They could not mingle with the crowd like ordinary people do. Everything changed…

 

Well, maybe except their unbreakable bond as a team and their love for their each other.

 

 

2017, November 2, 10:57pm

Usually, they would stay in the dorms to prepare for a mini midnight fest for their member’s birthday, but then, they found themselves stumbling in their own rooms after a day of exhausting schedules. It seemed that their tradition of celebrating right on the very first hour of Minki’s birthday would end, not that Minki was complaining. The fans already surprised him with a cake today and he was honestly too tired to even manage keeping his spirits high to eat and drink. Whether they would rent a whole restaurant the next day, have food deliveries or spend the whole day accomplishing whatever schedule they have, it did not really matter to Minki. All he cared about was that his beloved members would be there for him, especially the sweet fluffy gumball that was his one and only onibugi.

 

“Minki-yah,” Jonghyun called from his own—now their shared—room, his top already exposed, “do you want to bathe together before eating?”

Minki blinked a few times, surprised at the offer. This was so unusual. “B-Bathe together?”

A cheeky grin that morphed into a smirk graced Jonghyun’s features, causing Minki to turn beet red. “This pervert. Of course I know that we do not have energy for _that._ What I was saying was that I noticed that you cannot move your arm that much and it would be hard for you to scrub your back. Then after that, let us put some balm on your arm.”

“A-Ahhh,” Minki awkwardly nodded a few times, the heat of his face reaching to his ears. “I-I see. H-How did you even… I mean, my arm…”

“Baby,” Jonghyun chuckled, walking towards the flustered maknae before ruffling the latter’s hair, “I know every inch of you like the back of my palm. I can even find your adorable ass in a sea of people.”

“Bugi~” Minki whined, embarrassed, making Jonghyun chuckle once again. The leader slung his arm around the maknae casually, planted a smooch on his cheek and pulled Minki to the bathroom like he did not just make his boyfriend’s face turn to tomato.

 

 

“Jonghyun," Minki muttered once they ran out of topic to talk about. Jonghyun hummed, digging in their shared bowl of bulgogi rice.

A pout graced Minki's lips before continuing, “I miss Minhyun." 

Jonghyun smiled at this. “We know we all do."

“Do you think he is happy?” Minki's voice laced with uncertainty with every word he carefully spoke. “I mean, he is friends with everyone in Wanna One, but still, whenever he talks with us, he seems rather…”

“Gloomy? Sad? Regretful? Guilty?” Jonghyun looked at Minki nodding with a frown. “Maknae, even if he does not say it because the other Wanna One members are usually around when he calls or starts video calls, I know how he feels. He misses us and is wishing for 2018 to come to reunite with us, his brothers."

“Riiggghhhht,” Minki answered after chewing on his beef. Jonghyun gave him an inquiring stare that showed how much the leader could read his boyfriend's mind, so Minki finally dropped the question he had been holding back to ask. “Jonghyun, what will you do if you won alongside Minhyun?”

“Pester you with calls every day?” Jonghyun replied with a teasing smile.

Minki shifted his gaze on the half empty bowl and sighed. "D-Do you think you will d-develop feelings for Minhyun or the others?”

A spoon dropping in the bowl with a clank was heard in the dining room.

“What nonsense are you even talking about, Minki?” Jonghyun chided that the he almost spat the rice in his mouth. “You know I am not gay... that is, before I fell for you.”

“But Minhyun was always affectionate to you,” Minki reasoned while filling Jonghyun's glass with water. "He takes care of you a lot, even more than any of us do.”

“What's with that question, baby? Is it about his drunk, clingy-to-me self?” Jonghyun took the glass and gulped down the contents in one go. “Baby, he is straight.”

“It is not an issue of preferences,” Minki further argued weakly, “it is about you falling in love with him. Like hey, Minhyun is handsome. His voice flows like honey and he is really nice.”

Minki, who was looking down the table for a long ten seconds, woke up from his stupor when he felt two fingers pinching his nose. “Ouch! What was that for?”

He glared at the offender who stood from his chair across Minki. Jonghyun made a round and pulled the chair beside the maknae. He sat down and held Minki by the chin, a serious expression on the elder's face.

“You are not my boyfriend.”

A bewildered Minki, still rubbing his nose, gasped, “h-huh?”

Jonghyun's eyes narrowed as if scanning Minki's face. The latter later winced when the former pinched his cheek harshly. "Jonghyun!"

“My boyfriend Choi Minki is confident and sassy as Lady Gaga, not the insecure, timid boy on front of me," Jonghyun mumbled while pulling Minki's cheek like the latter was not slapping his hand away.

"That hurts, you bastard," Minki glowered at the other male who finally let go of his sore cheek.

"It is your fault for being stupid," Jonghyun rolled his eyes and added, “do you think I will like that tall, lanky guy? I am not interested with people as tall as him, sorry.”

“But I am a bit taller than you,” Minki pouted to which Jonghyun's eye twitched.

“What is a two centimeters difference compared to Minhyun’s annoying height?” The leader retorted with his arms crossed on his chest. “You and I do not even seem that apart in terms of our height. We are perfectly compatible.”

“What if he is smaller?”

“He is still Minhyun and I do not like him more than a platonic way."

Minki bit his lip before asking, “how about Dongho? Aron hyung?”

Jonghyun's expression showed how much he wanted to vomit at the moment. “Are you out of your mind, Choi Minki? Do you really think I will take interest on those ballsy—”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Minki giggled and raised his hands in surrender, “you seemed to be turning to an angry Onibugi. I am just making sure that I am the number one for you.”

Jonghyun's expression softened at the sound of his lover's laugh. “Who even said that you are my number one?” He sighed, moving his chair a little closer while leaning closer to Minki who tensed at the remark. “You are not my _number one_ because you were, you are, and you will always be the _only one_ in my mind and heart, baby.”

It did not take long for a giggling fit to replace their hushed conversation. Small, warm hands held on Minki's slender frame as his face was smothered with kisses. He giggled with every ticklish caress and sniff on his velvety skin and the warmth pressing against his form.

Jonghyun's nose grazed his lover's hair, inhaling the citrusy scent. “You have the fluffiest hair," he whispered while ruffling the silky strands.

"You are beautiful, Minki." He pressed his lips on Minki's "attractive forehead," brushed his lips on "your alluring eyes" that trailed down "your precious nose, tender cheeks" and finally, to the "sweetest pair of lips I have ever tasted."

Those giggles turned to mewls that echoed in their dorm once the leader's swollen lips left fluttering kisses on his maknae's jawline and ear. A shudder ran through the beauty's spine when teeth nibbled on the shell of his ear, down, down, down to his neck.

"You think I will replace you, baby? You have the smoothest skin I have ever touched." A moan broke from Minki's throat when his lover's mouth latched on his skin, sucking and taking in his scent. "You even smell like vanilla, baby." Jonghyun nuzzled on that spot for a moment, sucking and nibbling on his baby's weak spot: the mole on his neck.

He continued nibbling and kissing along Minki's velvety skin while mumbling how sexy his boyfriend's collarbones were and how the babe's lithe waist fitted in the leader's hands. His hands roamed under Minki's shirt, earning him pleasured moans that were muffled as soon as Jonghyun's lips covered his again.

"You are so sensitive," Jonghyun chuckled while thumbing the pink, perky buds, their wet, swollen lips centimeters apart. He stared at Minki's hooded eyes, both chasing their breaths from their heated liplocking.

"I-Idiot," Minki muttered, hands gripping Jonghyun's shirt. “Do not turn me on. I need to walk tomorrow for our schedule.”

"I do not plan doing it right now," Jonghyun replied, his arm wrapped securely around his beloved flower, "I am just reminding you how this," his free hand trekked on Minki's exposed thigh. "And this," he cupped Minki's clothed crotch, earning him a squeak. "And this," he slid his hand on the babe's delicious, plump ass cheek and gave it a squeeze, "all belong to me."

"O-Only yours," Minki answered with a sweet smile mirroring the ones on Jonghyun's lips.

“Did I convince you enough now?” Jonghyun asked, cupping his baby's face. Minki nodded, batting his eyelashes at his leader who just laughed.

"It's twenty-two minutes to twelve," Jonghyun grinned, picking up Minki's spoon.

"Jonghyun, I am not a kid," Minki pouted when Jonghyun held a spoonful of rice and beef on his face.

“But there are only a few minutes before you turn twenty-three*,” Jonghyun said while poking the other's lip with the spoon. "I want to savour the moment, baby."

Minki pretended to roll his eyes but readily opened his mouth to be fed by his boyfriend. Jonghyun held the glass every time Minki drank while his other hand wiped the sauce on the latter's lips. 

They got up, washed and dried the bowl and utensils and went to the bathroom to brush their teeth. Jonghyun finished brushing first so he lightly peeled Minki's own fingers off the toothbrush he was holding and took the liberty to brush Minki's teeth.

Minki stared at him with furrowed eyebrows while babbling nonsense around the toothbrush but all Jonghyun said was, “let me take care of my Captain Rabbit's sparkling pearly white teeth.”

A yelp rang in the bathroom when Jonghyun swept him off his feet and carried him bridal style towards their room, laying their tired bodies on the bed.

They cuddled under the warm sheets, with Jonghyun wrapping his arm around his sweetheart whose own arm laid on top of Jonghyun's own torso. Minki laid his head on top of Jonghyun's chest, letting his boyfriend's heartbeats and the sound of their breaths lull him to dreamland.

"Bugi," Minki started, trying his best not to let drowsiness take over him, “what can I do without you? What am I without you?”

“I should be the one saying that,” Jonghyun replied while caressing his boyfriend's hair. "You make me feel alive, my precious. You taught me how meaningful and beautiful life is. You are the reason I survived every challenge we met along the way. Without you, I do not know where my life is headed to."

"And you made me see my worth," Minki answered, gaze locking with Jonghyun's. "You never failed to make me feel beautiful despite all my flaws and shortcomings. For that reason, I want to continuously strive to be the better version of myself... for you, my beloved leader."

Embarrassed by his own words, Minki buried his face on Jonghyun's chest. The latter merely laughed at his flushed boyfriend and rubbed the maknae's back in circles. "Do you have any birthday wish?"

"What more can I ask for?" The words may be muffled but Jonghyun heard them loud and clear. "I already have everything. My family, NU'EST, and of course, the biggest blessing of my life."

"Oh, what or who could that be?" Minki snorted at the smug tone in his boyfriend's voice. His dainty hand lightly smacked Jonghyun's chest and the latter swore that the blush reached up to the tips of Minki's ears. "K-Kwon Hyunbin."

Silence reigned in the room, and Minki looked up to see displeasure on Jonghyun's face.

"Kidding," Minki giggled, leaning closer to his lover's face to peck his lips.

"Not a good joke, Choi Minki," Jonghyun scoffed, turning his face away to feign anger.

"Just kidding, sweetie," Minki showered his lover's face with kisses, gradually earning him a chuckle from Jonghyun. "Of course, it is my one and only handsome and adorable lover, Kim Jonghyun."

"If you say so." Jonghyun's eyes flickered on the digital clock that showed 11:59, which, in a couple of seconds, ticked to 12:00. He gazed back to Minki who was rubbing his cheek on Jonghyun's chest while his big eyes pleaded to be 'forgiven.'

 

 

_Ahh, how can I live without this angel?_

 

 

"Happy birthday, my big baby," he grinned, combing Minki's bangs back to plant a sweet kiss on the birthday boy's forehead. "Thank you for being born."

"Thank you for coming to my bland, meaningless life," Minki smiled, his arm hugging his lover tighter. "Let us spend more birthdays together up to the time that we stop counting our years and our hair turns white as snow."

"Up to the day that our hearts stop beating," Jonghyun added and leaned down for a kiss. "I love you, Captain Rabbit."

"I love you, too, Onibugi."

 

 ------

*Korean age


End file.
